Hell Has Arived

This morning it feels like hell has arrived here on La Palma, I have spent most of the morning in bed, a lot of the time has been spent trying to get control of myself and stop thinking about destroying anything that came to hand.
How did I get things under control, one, stay somewhere safe (in bed in this case), two, try to find something to brake the train of thought, ( playing freecell on the Arcos and then reading), and three trying to write things down, which is what I am trying to do now.
What was it that brought this all on. well it started last night in that we did not get done all that I wanted to do mainly not ordering furniture and getting a water tank. Whether we could use the tank completely or not is not the point but it was a goal, and the furniture was so that the matres would be delivered. Then when we got home we found that the one thing we had managed to get (3G Internet connection) would not work (only get 56K GPRS connection) and not sure if the limit of 1Gb per month is enough. It seems that what ever we try goes wrong. OK there it all is.. On the up side we do have a network connection and I hope we can opt for the higher download limit if 1Gb is not enough.
All this goes to show that I am siting on the edge still.

Run in with the Post Man

Another day with minor upsets in my mind - all it takes is a look, I wish I was telepathic or even empathic but then I would know what people really thought and in a way that could be worse. Mind you true telepathy would get round the need to learn Spanish. I do hate the misunderstandings that a poor grasp of a language results in. Two days a go I put up a post box, on the understanding that the postman comes up the peaster (steep road) that our hours is on. But then some one stopped to talk to us as we walked along the road it would appear that he was the local postman (or one of them) no uniform and no official transport (just a clapped out car). he does not go up the peaster so the box was no good outside the house - we could not quite workout if the box should be placed at the bottom by the half oil drum or that the half oil drum was the post box... That conversation, partly due to not being able to completely understand what he said and partly due to having done something wrong, AGAIN... upset me again. Mind you it was partly offset by stumbling across one of the current Doctor Who episodes on one of the streams channels on the satellite...

Then this morning while building the steps out the front one of the neighbours came past as she was on the way down the peaster, She did not say any thing bad, just you have a lot of work (or you are doing a lot of work) but she gave an odd look as she was going... and to me a look can kill... Not to bad at the moment, Theresa is off shopping and I have the radio on (a hole satellite system to pick up radio 2) it does help. my state of mind has improved a lot over the last few days, the thoughts of suicide have dropped right down, most of the time now, they are still there in the back of my mind but only as a vague future possibility.

Down But Not Out and getting a bit better

I lay in bed this morning feeling low and thinking about taking my life - not the planing thoughts but the thoughts that arrive before you start to plan, I can not take this, will it ever end, etc. The "this" is not that well defined, but has something to do with feeling isolated and that I can do nothing right (with the locals that is).

Now I feel a little better, I am sitting here on the bed listening to Radio 2 (we managed to get the satellite system working) and working on the laptop without worrying about the battery life, Yes the power is on, Hoooraaaaay!!!! Ok the satellite dish is propped up between several breeze blocks and we have power to 4 sockets (three in one room) and one light but its power.

The main thing that helped be today was the def neighbour stopping to talk about what I am doing and I understood some of what she was saying about needing the access down the side of the house to get a rotorvator down to the terraces below.. I think people will be happy when I have done with the steps and perhaps I can put a ramp in as well. Also two other neighbours came round and stated I should get a man to do the work instead of doing it myself.. GET a MAN ... No thanks.. (smile)...

Here in La Palma

Well we are now living full time in La Palma, the trip out was hell but things may begetting better now we have been here for a week.

Not a bad day today, the feelings of despair are still there hovering in the background but I seem to be able to push them down, most of the time. The main problem are the feelings of inadequacy that seem to creep up at the most inconvenient times.

I hope that this place will work out, I am worried about money and how we are going to live but for now a new bathroom and having the power on seen to be more of a worry.

But then look at it now, here I am sitting in the garden listening to the birds sing at 20:30 in the evening, the sun has gone down behind the next ridge (lomo), Theresa is in the kitchen fighting with the fire to cook dinner, and the place is so peace full, if it was not for the nagging feeling at the back of my stomach I would be very happy. The view from where I am sitting (before the sun went down).

Yes I am worried about the locals, the lack of good communication plays on my paranoia, I do wonder if being totally isolated would not have been better, but only in the Short term.