Ramblings of a Depressed Artist

What is wrong with me...

2008-09-02T12:46:00.002+01:00


Helen Index : 6
Mood        : Low

It´s another low blog.. I don´t seem to be able to get organised to do anything. I have so much that I would like to do, like drawing... I have the time, but when it comes to doing anything it only seems to get done if I HAVE to do it, just wanting to does not seem to work. Mind you if I did just what I felt that I could do, I would be spending most of my time sat on the bed reading or trying to sleep.
I have a friend that does so much, she fills her days with things, some times too much, but she does achieve a vast amount. I would never expect to see her just sitting around doing nothing.
But when I try to organize myself to start on achieving something, whether it is just getting some excise or completing a home class on some bit of software, I may do it for a day or two but the it just all goes to pot...
Am I just trying to hard, or trying to do too much, May be I need to just concentrate on one thing but which one...; The house, exercise, Spanish, drawing, one of the several software projects I would like to do, the garden(building, planting,planing etc), processing grapes, cooking, reading, woodwork(cupboards, shelves etc). The list could go on..... I wounder if I am just totally over whelmed by things.... I remember when before I left work I did have a plan, 6 months to get fit both in mind and body and then go and sign up for a coarse on drawing. But that was before we moved here and had an old house to fix up... Mind you the house is now at an acceptable level... But I also now have Spanish to learn and I am finding it hard.. Hard, I don´t do any studying.....
Now that reminds me of a repeated dream/nightmare. I was studying, taking classes, but I could never remember where or when that classes were so I never went and was getting so uptight about failing the exams....
I think I need to think about what is important and what needs to be done in what order.

A new place to go.

2008-06-17T08:47:00.002+01:00


Helen Index : 3-4
Mood        : pensive

It's funny that small things can change how you look at life, yesterday I was reading the forward from "Tails from Earthsea". In it the aurthur was talking of how she would go to Earthsea and see what was going on there, to her the place was real in her imagination. That got me thinking if I could build an imaginary world that would be the inspiration for my Art. But what sort of world would it be, one full of mirrors reflecting other worlds? It would have to have people (but not as we know them, perhaps here is a place for my cats) and animals grate and small, it would have to be a place of wonder. why limit it to just a world, how about a whole universe, a place to travel and explore and if I can document.
Could I really come up with something original? I can only try...

Thoughts of the past - how did I get into all this

2008-05-09T18:04:00.002+01:00


Helen Index : 4
Mood        : OK but confused

I was thinking, last week, about why I got into taking overdoses. I realised that is was nothing to do with trying to kill my self, at first, all I wanted to do was escape from the feelings that I was struggling under. I started to take "feminax" which is a combination of Caffeine and Paracetamol, it would put me into a state that felt a little like floating for a short while. For that short time I was free for the feelings that seemed to knot them selves around my stomach. That release only lasted for a very Short while and then I was sick for a very long while but I did it week after week. Some where in that time, I changed from waiting a short release to looking for a permanent one. I don't think that I have ever really wanted to take my life by committing suicide, I have too much I would like to do. Its just that there have been times when I just can not cope with the feelings that I have and just want out.
At the moment things are a lot better - most of the time, OK there are days when I would rather hide inside the house and most days I avoid others when I am alone. But, for some things, I think life is getting better.

Is This The Start of a Phobia

2008-04-09T10:29:00.003+01:00


Helen Index : 5
Mood        : changeable

My fear of other people on the road here is getting worse.. I am not afraid to be out and among others in town but here at home I am terrified..... It all stems from the problems in communicating with others, although my Spanish is improving - slowly - my fear seems to be getting really bad.
I have even caught myself literally running and hiding when someone local comes past, its not good. In a way I feel more worried that this is happening here than why it is happening, I don't want to get lumbered with a phobia that results in me staying inside the house all the time.
A the moment all it is doing is stopping me from getting on with the work outside when Theresa is not here - OK I can work at the back of the house or inside but I have some jobs to do on the roof and even getting sand and gravel down from the car park is out.
On a completely different topic, why when I want to do something it is so hard to do it. Yes I want to draw better - I have so meny ideas that I need to put down - just don't have the ability to do it. I know that I should draw everyday but I just cannot do it - there is always something more important to do, or I just don't feel I can do it.

Why am I SO Tired

2008-03-27T10:20:00.002Z


Helen Index : 5
Mood        : Tired

Things are better, I have come to terms with the work I am doing - Just my artistic temperament - I hope! But I feel so tired at the moment - probably due to the weather, it has rained everyday since we got back from the UK. All I want to do at the moment is go back to bed for an hour or so, but I have so much to do today... Mind you I could spend an hour thinking how to do something, I also have several adds to regenerate from scratch and some content to find (OK I don't have to do that). And in the back of my mind is all the work that needs to be done on the house, but for some reason I don't feel that enthusiastic about that.
Last night we watched an old Cold Case episode, about the murder of a Gay Guy.. The end was a gay wedding, I just went so soppy I almost cried... I really do love Theresa. So why is living so hard, if I don't keep in hard control is is so easy just to slip down to where I can not see any reason to keep going, there are times when it all seems so pointless. But that is when I let go, at the moment I just keep my head down and push on..

Back from Trip and Back to Bed

2008-03-25T09:08:00.007Z


Helen Index : 6-7 jumping to 9 but under control.
Mood        : Very Low

Falling off of a wall, then getting a bad head cold (I will not go deeply into what has been coming out of my nose, just to say that I have not seen that shade of fluorescent yellow in nature before....) and having problems with the plane flights both to the UK and back again. It's funny that the problems were with BA and not Iberia flights.... But after a fast week we did eventually get back to La Palma, one of our bags arriving a day later via a completely different route... The result of all of this is that I am totally out of it. I did not get dressed yesterday and slept half the day. Most of that was due to a bad reaction to changes to a Mag. layout that I am doing. I don't mind changes But asking the impossible and making big changes to what I thought was agreed, with only a week before it need to be at the printers. I don't blame the messenger at all, But I think that the person asking for the changes does not know what they are talking about... I had to go to bed after an hours work as I was getting so worked up that I was tempted to tell them what they could do with it... Thoughts of silting my wrists were back.
BUT I did keep it under control, and get back to the layout later yesterday. It's sad that after a year and a half, one small bit of perceived criticism can send be spiraling down, when I thought that things were going a lot better. It may have been a lot better if all the other crap had not happened. But then it may just be my artistic temperament showing its self...

Some Good, Some Bad, And a pain in the Back

2008-03-13T20:07:00.001Z


Helen Index : 6
Mood        : Low

Last week I fell off a wall, only about 1.5M (about 4feet) but I landed on an assortment of rocks and a 3 inch diameter pipe. The result of which was a trip to the Doctors and then to the hospital as the Doctor thought that I may have broken a rib or two. I haven't, but they said that I had bruised them badly.

The result of all this is that I have taken a big nose dive. I seem to be very insular - not wanting to be around people and paranoid that things are going to go terribly wrong - somewhere... Tomorrow we are off to the UK to see my first Grandchild, Theo, I am very nervous about flying at the moment, not about crashing just about missing connections etc...

I watched The Catwoman movie yesterday, and good quote from it was "When you are truly comfortable with who and what you are you are Free" Ok its not an exact match but I think its good.

The new year

2008-01-15T09:14:00.001Z


Helen Index : 5
Mood        : Changeable

Its a new year and it seems to have started with a low. Why is it that the my life seems to be run by my low times - those times when my stomach seems to knot up and all I want to do is hide.
Also at this moment it seems that my temper is starting to get uncontrolled at times, I can just lose it with out much precaution. these are uncertain times and I don't archly know what corces it.

Do you know what is the most annoying thing - Someone asking "Why do I feel Down" - most of the time I don't know or there is not one thing that seem to be connected to it. Yes I am worried about money, and I have been here in La Palma for almost a year. No I am not home sick, well not that much. But in the past two attempts to start a new life in another country, it has started to go bad after a year, and only lasted 2 years. I like the type of life that is possible here, having a house and land, that would just not be possible back in the UK. Also the money is running out fast and we only have just enough to eat coming in (and that is only 10 months of the year).

Oh well must go have to get ready to go the Garifa to collect paperwork...

Still down

2007-12-03T10:41:00.001Z


Helen Index : 6
Mood        : All over the place

Things have not setles down... It seems that each day is a new strugel to just keep going - It's 10:45 in the morning and I am writing this in bed.. And we have just lost power - They are working on the power lines in the vilage..

Progress but its a bit painfull

2007-10-30T12:26:00.001Z


Helen Index : 5-6
Mood        : OK

The last few days I have been feeling rather unwell, Last Friday I ended up with my first migraine in around 5 years, and then I had another one on Sunday. Why now, I don't know, it all starts with my eyes and not being able to see clearly and then the jazzy lights start and that leads to the pain in the head. I would not say that it is very bad but it sorts of stops me doing anything and it can also resulting in feeling sick (nauseous). As a result of this I have not done much work on the house but have managed to do some drawing and reading etc.

First I have finished my first go at a digital art image using Bryce5 and Photoshop. I started the image as a workshop from ImageineFX Issue 14. The workshop was by Adam Benton and he provided the model of the space ship and some instructions. I will admit that I found the workshop hard to follow, with some instructions very detailed and others very vague, It was not very usefully for a complete novice. But I persevered and I am quite pleased with the result.Click image to enlarge

The image above consists of 4 Bryce models, one for the ship and land and 3 for the planet. The separate rendered images are then put together in Photoshop.

I have also been reading a Spanish book about Canarian volcanoes, I seem to get interested in a lot of diverse things, and trying to read a Spanish book does help my Spanish, if only in volcanic technical terms. But I have learned that La Palma consists of two main groups of volcano's, 5 very large ones to the north and one smaller one to the south (though the southern one consists of many vents), The one thing of interest is that originally I thought that La Palma had only one Caldera, and that was the result of erosion. but there is actually two and the hidden one (though it may not be a strict caldera) is much, much bigger. - I need to write it up some time once I can work out a way to generate a set of graphics to illustrate it..

From bad to worse

2007-10-22T11:00:00.001+01:00


Helen Index :6
Mood        :Low

It seems that since I have been taking the meds for high blood pressure (started again around a month ago) my mood has goon down.
Last week there was an item on panic attacks on the radio. I seem to get something like them, but instead of the racing hart and sick in the stomach. I seem to get suicide attacks.. Something will set me off, a situation, a noise or a thought, and then I feel my stomach knotting up and then the feelings and thoughts come... This can happen any time and for any thing. Here in La Palma its the nabors or going to the doctors or even going out of the door on my own. Some times it just make life a miserable existence.
It seems to be getting worse at the moment but I am still trying to cope with it all but some times I just wounder if it is all worth it.

Holosysnc

2007-08-30T19:38:00.001+01:00


Helen Index :5-7
Mood        :Up (At the moment)

The last few weeks have been sort of bad - to the point of some of the old problems coming back. I have found a way to stop things getting too bad, its called Holosync.. I am not one to trust all the hype, especially when it comes from the USA, but the demonstration peace has seemed to help and even pulled me back from the verge of going over the precipice into real bad times. I don't seem to listen as often I should do, Well I have ordered the full version and when it arrives we will see how it works out.

It seems that most nights I go to sleep thinking about taking my life - but don't end up doing much about it.

Been Very Busy

2007-07-31T22:58:00.000+01:00


Helen Index :6
Mood        :Good

We have been very busy the last month. When I am busy doing things I don't feel that bad. In fact I have been feeling quite good a lot of the time. But then, for no real resean I get these feelings come over me, feelings of depression and the thoughts of taking my own life are there again. Not strong, but there in the back of my mind. Some of it is due to my lack of Spanish communication ability, others to just the way I am.
A big problem at the moment is money, we have some but it seems to be going quite quickly at the moment, we need to start getting some coming in, if we don't then this may all fall apart and I am not sure how I will cope with going back to the UK. Although I d wonder if I can cope here as well.

Oh well time for bed..

Thoughts still bother me

2007-06-09T11:58:00.000+01:00


Helen Index :6
Mood        :OK

Things seem to be getting better , but why then do thoughts of giving it all up and take my life still hover in the background of my mind. It can happen any time, I will be in the car just looking out and then these thoughts just slam in to my current thoughts. I cope but I wish things would not keep hitting me.

Worried.

2007-06-02T13:10:00.001+01:00


Helen Index : 6
Mood        : Low and worried

What I am worried about I don't quite know, things just seem to get on top of me. Like the import of the car.. I do wonder if it will last long enough to get it imported.. or where the glass will stay in the windows while the putty runs down the window frames.

I just need to take things slowly and hope that it will get better..

Steps to Confusion

2007-05-19T21:13:00.001+01:00


Helen Index : 6 to 8
Mood        : Low

Not a good few days - Trying to work on the steps of the house - Again one of the locals stopped to talk about what we were doing, As seems to happen Theresa was out, it seems that when ever some one stops to talk about the steps Theresa is not there. The result of this that I just get completely confused. I am not sure what was said, but I think there is a problem... The thing is that the entrance drops about 1.5M from the road in about 2M and was made up of rock and ruble and is down right dangerous. But I think that we should have talked to the local council before starting.
The result of all this misunderstandings is that I am getting to the point that I am terrified of being outside the house and slowly getting uptight being inside the place as well. In the last two or three weeks the Helen index has hit 8 if this carries on things are going to be bad..

Sick

2007-05-07T22:46:00.000+01:00

Not a very good few days - I have been down with some bug.. - not sure what, Mostly aches and pains, and most of the pain was abdominal and lower back - sort of kidneys and liver.. Also my blood pressure rocketed up to 186/105 . its a bit better now (143/98). The Helen index has also rocked to a 10 though that has also dropped now to round 7 ( I need to do a graphic or something to show my index each time I write here).
As to how I feel - I am feeling very down about being here in La Palma, a lot of it is homesickness, possibly, but I am wondering if coming here was a big mistake. I feel sometimes like there is no ware here that is safe...

Hell Has Arived

2007-04-25T13:00:00.000+01:00

This morning it feels like hell has arrived here on La Palma, I have spent most of the morning in bed, a lot of the time has been spent trying to get control of myself and stop thinking about destroying anything that came to hand.
How did I get things under control, one, stay somewhere safe (in bed in this case), two, try to find something to brake the train of thought, ( playing freecell on the Arcos and then reading), and three trying to write things down, which is what I am trying to do now.
What was it that brought this all on. well it started last night in that we did not get done all that I wanted to do mainly not ordering furniture and getting a water tank. Whether we could use the tank completely or not is not the point but it was a goal, and the furniture was so that the matres would be delivered. Then when we got home we found that the one thing we had managed to get (3G Internet connection) would not work (only get 56K GPRS connection) and not sure if the limit of 1Gb per month is enough. It seems that what ever we try goes wrong. OK there it all is.. On the up side we do have a network connection and I hope we can opt for the higher download limit if 1Gb is not enough.
All this goes to show that I am siting on the edge still.

Run in with the Post Man

2007-04-14T17:06:00.000+01:00

Another day with minor upsets in my mind - all it takes is a look, I wish I was telepathic or even empathic but then I would know what people really thought and in a way that could be worse. Mind you true telepathy would get round the need to learn Spanish. I do hate the misunderstandings that a poor grasp of a language results in. Two days a go I put up a post box, on the understanding that the postman comes up the peaster (steep road) that our hours is on. But then some one stopped to talk to us as we walked along the road it would appear that he was the local postman (or one of them) no uniform and no official transport (just a clapped out car). he does not go up the peaster so the box was no good outside the house - we could not quite workout if the box should be placed at the bottom by the half oil drum or that the half oil drum was the post box... That conversation, partly due to not being able to completely understand what he said and partly due to having done something wrong, AGAIN... upset me again. Mind you it was partly offset by stumbling across one of the current Doctor Who episodes on one of the streams channels on the satellite...

Then this morning while building the steps out the front one of the neighbours came past as she was on the way down the peaster, She did not say any thing bad, just you have a lot of work (or you are doing a lot of work) but she gave an odd look as she was going... and to me a look can kill... Not to bad at the moment, Theresa is off shopping and I have the radio on (a hole satellite system to pick up radio 2) it does help. my state of mind has improved a lot over the last few days, the thoughts of suicide have dropped right down, most of the time now, they are still there in the back of my mind but only as a vague future possibility.

Down But Not Out and getting a bit better

2007-04-12T17:03:00.000+01:00

I lay in bed this morning feeling low and thinking about taking my life - not the planing thoughts but the thoughts that arrive before you start to plan, I can not take this, will it ever end, etc. The "this" is not that well defined, but has something to do with feeling isolated and that I can do nothing right (with the locals that is).

Now I feel a little better, I am sitting here on the bed listening to Radio 2 (we managed to get the satellite system working) and working on the laptop without worrying about the battery life, Yes the power is on, Hoooraaaaay!!!! Ok the satellite dish is propped up between several breeze blocks and we have power to 4 sockets (three in one room) and one light but its power.

The main thing that helped be today was the def neighbour stopping to talk about what I am doing and I understood some of what she was saying about needing the access down the side of the house to get a rotorvator down to the terraces below.. I think people will be happy when I have done with the steps and perhaps I can put a ramp in as well. Also two other neighbours came round and stated I should get a man to do the work instead of doing it myself.. GET a MAN ... No thanks.. (smile)...

Here in La Palma

2007-04-06T20:30:00.000+01:00

Well we are now living full time in La Palma, the trip out was hell but things may begetting better now we have been here for a week.

Not a bad day today, the feelings of despair are still there hovering in the background but I seem to be able to push them down, most of the time. The main problem are the feelings of inadequacy that seem to creep up at the most inconvenient times.

I hope that this place will work out, I am worried about money and how we are going to live but for now a new bathroom and having the power on seen to be more of a worry.

But then look at it now, here I am sitting in the garden listening to the birds sing at 20:30 in the evening, the sun has gone down behind the next ridge (lomo), Theresa is in the kitchen fighting with the fire to cook dinner, and the place is so peace full, if it was not for the nagging feeling at the back of my stomach I would be very happy. The view from where I am sitting (before the sun went down).

Yes I am worried about the locals, the lack of good communication plays on my paranoia, I do wonder if being totally isolated would not have been better, but only in the Short term.

Up and down in La Plama

2007-03-04T19:59:00.000Z

This Holiday was OK until I got the flu that lasted for 3 weeks - it came and then it went and then it sneaked back and floored me with a large frying pan !!!!

Friday we finally signed on the house although I was not sure that it was the right thing to do, due to the flu I had spent the last week in bed and just did not really believe that all would work out OK. To be honest I still am a little apprehensive about the place but I am fulling in love with the place. Finally at 2:15 (and the notary closes at 2:00) we signed the contract and haded the money over, did we get anything in return --- nope. So there we were money gone and no house keys, so it was a bit of a letdown. The evening was spent on a right royal bar craw around Santa Cruse until 1:00 am, a very pleasant evening with Theresa and Sheila.

Saturday was a complete downer, I spent most of it asleep and depressed. Thinking about going back to the UK and staying there - running away and dieing in some lonely place... Today has been a lot better, we spent a very good afternoon at the new house with the old owners and Sheila and Julio eating a very nice barbeq....

Now we have only 2 days left here and then we return to the UK But for only 2 weeks and then we return for the rest of our lives - part of me is scared stiff and another part can't wait ....

Buying a house

2007-02-07T17:51:00.000Z

Here I am on La Plama, trying to buy a house to have as our own little place. My problems have not gone away - most of the time I am doing well - apart from having a very nasty cold with sore throat.
The stresses of getting a place have been taking there tole. There have been a few nights when I have gone to bed and thought about getting up and running away. But things are moving on and I think it will workout OK.
I am also getting some art done and a few things for others.
Not much to say at the moment as I have just spent several hours updating the blog about the house .

At The End of a Very Busy Week

2007-01-20T12:55:00.000Z

What a week this has been - It seems to have consisted of never ending clearing and packing interspersed with trips to the dump or shopping. The main good thing I can say about it is that I have felt a lot better in the mornings. With Theresa home I don't dread getting up and facing a day on my own. That has not stopped the feelings of self harm and suicide creeping in now and again, but it is still only thoughts and feelings - no action.
I would not say that we are completely ready for the move next week but we are as ready as we can be... What the future holds for me I don't know, what I will do with my life, I am not sure.

Another day with the therapist

2007-01-12T12:46:00.000Z

As seems to happen after going to Therapy I seem to be feeling better. The thing is that Nigel seem to keep throwing things at me that make me think. Some times that is good and sometimes that is bad.

I am starting to realise that I don't really live my life but am just floating down the torrent that is life without any direction in my life. I don't really think about things much. even when I try to all I seem to do is go round and round in circles. Tying to understand what is going on in my mind is very hard and all I seem to do is bump off some barrier and then give up. I don't seem to be able find a foot hold on this problem. Even now writing this I just don't know what to say, I just don't know where to go.

Here is another little poem (or what ever) produced this morning as a result of the feelings from my therapy:

Reality.

What is my reality,
And is that the same
As the next persons?

Do we all exist in one,
Or are we bubbles in the foam of life,
Separate and distinct.

I don't seem to know
If what I remember about yesterday,
Really happened, or was all an allusion.

My reality is Now,
Only this millisecond,
What is past is gone.

It flows like oil on water,
Multi coloured, intermixed,
Reality and invention.

Impossible to separate,
Reality becomes fogged,
And I lose who I am.

Another day in Hell

2007-01-10T14:45:00.000Z

Things do seem to be going from good to bad and I don't realy know why. Yesterday I did nothing - spending most of the morning in bed and the afternoon watching TV. The evning was better as we went to the monthy smart meating. It was good to get out of the house.
But today seems to be worce, I got up and had a walk - Much better - Then wrote some thoughts down (see below) wich was very good, Then packed up some bits that we have sold on ebay, But sitting in the back of my mind was the desire to harm my self, I just can not get rid of it at the moment. I am off out as I just think staying round the home is going to end in spilt blood!

Dreams

Dreams,
How do you tell,
The vague imaginings of the hart,
From the tantalizing deceptions of the mind.

Why is it,
That I hang tight to the fools gold,
And discard the precious gems,
That would lead me through these dark times.

How do you willow,
The chaff from the seed,
And store up that which will,
Grow into reality.

True dreams are not easy to archive,
And may not be reached,
But provide inspiration and drive,
That propel me upwards.

False dreams deceive,
They tangle about me,
And tether my sole, secretly,
In the depths of hell.

Not Another Day

2007-01-08T12:16:00.000Z

"Not Another Day." That seems to be the thought that goes through my mind when I get up at the moment. Mind you the mornings at the weekend seem to be a little better, though the evenings are about the same. I did get to do some art last night, I am not sure about the result - it is still hard for me to say that something is "good enough", there is still the tendency to say it is ether right or wrong and if it is wrong it is worthless. But things are not black and white, there is a contiguous change between black and white and I must see this.
As to the Art work I am working on - what do you think?

The missing part of the middle fingers is intentional as something is going in front of them. I am not 100% happy with lines on the palm but am about 70% - 80% happy with it which is not bad. Also this is only the second digital picture that I have tried to do so it is some what of an experiment. Well I will see how the image progresses..

Fear leads to Anxiety

2007-01-04T10:46:00.000Z

I have been feeling very uptight the last few weeks, it seems to start the moment I get up. Or more to the point the moment I start thinking about getting up, and lasts for most of the day. The trouble is that I have not been able to work out why this is. I tried to talk about it yesterday with Nigel, my Therapist (och that sounds so American...) but could not quite get to what was coursing it. He keeps coming back to my transition and church, or a lot of my current problems started then, but I had problems before that. Like any change it solved some problems and created some more. To be honest I am probably better of now than I would have been if I did not transition, but it is hard to compare a current state with that of a possible one... You can be never sure what mite have been.

Anyway the point of this is that I have been trying to work out what is getting me so uptight and this morning it sort of hit me, I am afraid of another day! what about the day I am not sure - possibly it's just being here on my own, may be it is all the changes that are going on at the moment. But partly it feels like just being uptight about facing another day.

Went to the doctors this morning for a check up (blood pressure etc) and to get enough pills to see me through the 6 weeks in La Palma. I was also trying to get my medication changed as it does not seem to be helping with the depression - small hope of that.. I know I have been feeling worse lately and feeling like self harming and wondering if it is all worth it - but it is under control and I have been able to keep it under control. But the Doctors were all for sending me to a crises clinic today.. I don't think it is that bad at the moment... or is IT? That is the problem with me, I can feel mostly OK one minute and over dosing or cutting the next.. But at the moment It is not that bad just on a bit of a down word trend.

Christmas

2006-12-27T09:09:00.000Z

Hi all
Well Christmas is over for another year, apart from the cleaning up of the junk , and the disposal of leftover Christmas puddings etc. As to how it went, well we spent Christmas day with the Kids (at Dee's), it was nice to see them all, only one minor argument between a tied Sealy (Dan) and a misbehaving network connection... Apart from that it was a very pleasant day with a good dinner.. Everyone liked there presents, I think. I got a few books - mostly Terry Pratcit (which was what I asked for) so I am fixed for reading for the next few months. As well as the boxed set of the Ghost in the Shell, second Gig from Theresa.
Boxing Day we spent quietly at home - not really doing much. I will admit Christmas is for small children, they get so excited and that makes Christmas.. Christmas is a time for others, not our selves, with list of things to chose from it makes buying presents so simple but takes the love and care out of it.. But I feel so distant from everyone that I don't know much about them... I wonder if next year we should not draw up lists for or selves but do them for someone else.. (I do one for Theresa's presents and She does one for mine) - that way we have to put love into the list and the person that will receive the presents has no idea what they are getting ...
Today I feel the same old problems returning, the same pressures and worries, will things work out, can I cope with life, is it worth it, and most importantly will it ever end. there were times during my walk this morning that I just could not see an end to the pain.

Down again

2006-12-19T10:06:00.000Z

Why is it that when things seem to be coming together I fall apart. Today I feel that just giving up and ending it all. I don't want to die really but I just feel like I can not cope. But what is it I can not cope with, things that a few days ago I would have just not even thought about are making me see red. Also I feel like I am no good.

What Have I got to do that is winding me up so much - is it the fact that I have to do some drawings for thereby, I will admit that I probably want to do a better job than is needed but is that what has got me wanting to reach for the knife.

Things seem to be coming together for the move ok, but there are all ways the small things that seem to get to me - like getting paper work done, will we have a place to move to by the time we arrive on the Island with the car.. Nothing is unsumountable but I seem to get so up tight about anything.

I seem to be very angry with Dan this morning - just for leaving his computer down loading so that it was using most of our bandwidth and I could not get on the web to do the few bits I need to do, there were some of the old flashing thoughts of destroying things .. I don't like myself when I feel like that.

Although I have a lot to do I think I will go and spend a while in bed and see how I feel later.

Walking

2006-12-16T10:34:00.000Z

Out on my morning walk, (I am trying to lose whight - and it looks like it may be working, I needed to do the belt up one more notch this morning), I started daydreaming about stumbling across a film crew doing a detective show with a Transexal detective. Ok a silly daydream, but it ended up in a bit of a laugh when I came apon a REAL film crew seting up at the top of the Rookery (If you live in south London you may now know where I go walking in the mornings). It just seemed funy that here I was daydreaming about finding a film crew in the Rookery and then here they were...

Now the point of my day dream was that I ended up taling with the actris that was playing the dectective and I invited her home to talk about my experances during transition and life as a transexal. After coming acrose the real film crew the daydream sort of petered out and I started to think about what I was dreaming about. It seems that a lot of the time in my dreams (most of the ones that I have while I am awake that is) I seem to make freands with important peapel like this actris, I can even remeber dreaming about making feinds with roalty, and they want to be freinds with me becouse they NEED ME! But in real life I would probably run the other way. My dream me seems to be so different from the persion that I am - I just can not live up to that persion.

This is where I start feeling deprested and uptight. I have had a few epersodes latly where I start feeling very anxus and then - Wham! like a flash gun in the dark - this feeling of killing myself arives. Most of the time I can just cope with it, but if I am down, that is when bad things have happened in the past. At the moment it just knocks me of balance for a while.

Todays positive picture is below, I did this using an airbrush a few years ago for a present for my yungest doughter as she was (and still is) very much into Chinese culture.

When will this end

2006-12-08T09:56:00.000Z

Things definitely seem to be going down hill at the moment. Instead of getting less I seem to be getting more and more anxious about things, anything. I find that all I have to do is think about something and my stomach seems to get time up in knots. The news holds so many things that can make me get up tight - Bird Flue, variant CDJ, cancer, Radiation, Global Worming - There are times when it gets just too much. Even though theses things may not directly effect me I still worry about it. This morning I got very up tight worrying about Theresa dyeing. Sometimes I can control it but most of the time I have to go and hide in bed or just lay own and do something to distract my mind.
On a more positive not I did have a good evening last night at Theresa's works Christmas Party, It was good to be among friends and for a few hours I was able to forget my own problems (real or imaginary).

Hiding

2006-12-07T15:29:00.000Z

The last few days have been very difficult, nothing seems to have set it off, but I have been plagued by feelings of anxiety. These are accompanied by thoughts of self harm or wanting someone else harming me. Today I just stayed in bed for most of the morning and slept, on and off, with thoughts of cutting my stomach or leg, where none can see. So far these are just thoughts. Also I can get somethings done if I disperse them between taking a nap or playing Freecell on the Arcos.

On the subject of moving to La Palma; things are moving on, most of the packing is done (well there seems to be a lot of odds and ends that need to be collected together, but the rest is done), The things for the car seem to be growing and I wonder if we will have enough room... Money is my main worry, we have things all planed out and seem to be keeping to the budget but as we don't know everything, if anything big comes up we could be in a problem, and then others think we are loaded and keep asking us to do or pay for things - I find it hard to say no.. So I end up worrying about things.

One small thing I have accomplished is a simple 3D model in AutoCad. Never done it before but it seems to have come out ok.. What do you think, I know it is not much but I feel that it is a small achievement , and for me any achievement is important.

To night is Theresa's (and my old) works Christmas party, so I am sitting here after a shower doing my nails - at least I am going (at the moment) as I had serious doubts that I could this morning.

A Need To succeed

2006-11-30T10:01:00.000Z

I have been thinking about why I have this great need to succeed and where it comes from. During my time in school, I can remember working hard, for several years running I won the school prize for effort, but I don't seem to remember a great drive to be the best. I know that when I failed my physics mock O-level I worked non-stop to improve, and I did.
One thing I do remember was when I had children I could not let them win, I had to be first - at games or running. When did my struggles to succeed become at any cost.! What was it that was driving me to have to succeed? I am not sure.

A Good Therapy Session

2006-11-28T17:13:00.000Z

Things have been rather down over the last few days... What with Theresa working all weekend and then staying in bed most of the day yesterday. But now I am feeling quite uplifted after a very good therapy session. But I have to do two things:

List the things I have done that were "Good Enough" or things that I am "Good Enough" at doing.
Produce a Fuzzy Good Feeling File. A pace to put things that give me that fuzzy good feeling about my self, Like the poems that I wrote when I was thinking about Transitioning, or The email that Sheila sent me Last week.

Dreaming

2006-11-24T09:19:00.000Z

I had one of these dreams last night that you wake up from not knowing who you are or whether you are still dreaming or not. It has taken several hours and a good brisk walk (in the rain) to get some grip back on reality.
At the moment my anxiety levels are up through the roof and I don't know why, I seem to get all tide up about the silliest things or even nothing at all, just the thought of another day and what needs doing, is enough to make me want to go and curl up in bed, to hide from the world. I must not do that ALL the time as it will not help. But now and then it helps.
So on with the day!

Why Me

2006-11-21T09:04:00.000Z

I thought that things were getting better, and then the last few days arrived. My stomach is tied up in knots and my main desire is to curl up in a small ball and hide. I have this part of me inside that keeps on yelling "You are no good", "You can not do it", "It's too much".
All I can do is try to do what I can, and when it gets too much, go and curl up in bed for a while, and distract my self.

Will this ever get better?

Thinking = Stress

2006-11-17T09:19:00.000Z

After a good day yesterday where I got done most of what I had planed to do, including some things I had been trying to do for a week or more, today has started with a down turn. I could not get my mind off the down side, the problems, related to going to La Palma. Theresa mentioned again last night that Tenerife authorities are making it harder to get NIE's - they need proof of house perches... So I am worrying that we will have problems getting the NIE... But then if we have to wait until we are there and have a house purchase under way it will only slow things down a little... But still I seem to be getting down worrying about possible problems that will stop us going. I only hope that things will work out.

Revelation

2006-11-14T17:27:00.000Z

Art therapy today has opened some thoughts. I have been feeling like I don't know who I am and what I want in life. But could it be that I am just hiding behind a mask because who I am just does not fit in with who others think I should be. I am who I am an result of all my experiences since I was born on this world. I did not come in to existence 6 and a half years ago but have been here all a long.
What makes me happy, walking in the woods , seeing animals in the wild, walking along the beach in a storm, creating things.
so why do I feel that my life is a failure? Is it to do with the fact that I feel I should leave some sort of permanent record that I have been here, you know do something earth shattering, or make my name a household one. But are these things really what makes a life worth while. Children are what we as parents leave behind but although I can honestly say that I am very proud of my children, I am not close to them as I feel that I am an embarrassment to them and that they would be better off if I was not here, or at least I should keep a distance from them due to what I am.
So With all that how am I going to make my self believe that life is worth while and that I am achieving something good and doing something worthwhile with my life.
religion does not help as I lost that when I transitioned - no I did not lose my religion because I lost faith - I was thrown out, and when you have something you believe in very deeply taken away from you and you are told that what you have done make you an out cast from God, then religion is not of much use.

From Good To Bad

2006-11-14T09:45:00.000Z

It seams that after the few good days at the end of last week things have been going bad! For the last few days I have just felt that I can not do anything, if I try to get something done I seem to go off in random directions, none of which are any thing to do with what I want to do.
For the last few days I have had an image in my mind that I want to get down on paper but I keep hitting a brick wall when I try or even think about trying to put it down. The old fears come back - "You can not do it", "It will be no good" and then all I can do is sit and steam or try to sleep.
I have even had thoughts again about self harm - even a sort of longing to do it, to see blood, my blood. For now I have resisted the urges.

Work!

2006-11-10T14:22:00.000Z

Yesterday was a strange day as I spent a large part of it in work with Theresa - ok so I was made redundant. They needed to pick my brains regarding load testing (something I had been doing quite a bit of in the last year of working there), they had brought in an external company to do some testing on a new function and the guy needed some information.
By the end of the day I had ended up putting in a quote for about 3 weeks work to document some of the stuff that I had done before and update some of the scripts etc. Wow the first chance to do some contract work! Funny I seem to be feeling a bit better because of this....
As to other things all seems to be going ok, as long as I don't get too bogged down in thinking and worrying about moving La Palma.
For now I am sitting here waiting to here about the contract and trying to keep busy..

Isolation

2006-11-07T17:36:00.000Z

Art therapy again. Drawing of a child in a glass box above a green asteroid far away form anyone else. Am I that lonely child? I do push others away a lot of the time, and I seem to be afraid of letting anyone too close, including pulling away from my own children. Part of it is that I don't fit in many places and I feel that I am an embarrassment to those around me.
Being transexual has not helped - I have been more of a loner since my operation although I have been that way most of my life. The funny thing is that I like being the center of attention in a group or even just sitting on the edge of a group. But a lot of the time I just feel very isolated. Then again I don't do very well here at home on my own, just me an the cat, though she does like being around me, and follows me around the house...

Monday

2006-11-06T18:41:00.000Z

The start of another week - and where am I?
The weekend was filled with sorting stuff out and trips to the dump, I seem to be fine (mostly) when I am with Theresa or just someone else around but the feelings of panic and anxiety are still there. Last night I had to get up at midnight as I could not get my mind to relax - all due to Dan and his rants about how we are shipping the cat (Tabather) out to La Palma. I did not get up tight about booking flights, we had a mix up so have to stay in Tenarife over night on the way out but that is no problem, but shipping the cat seems to get me up tight.
Then today I did not get up until 11:30 this morning, and just ended up feeling up tight, what brings it on and how to cope I just don't know some times, all I can do is ether work though it or stop and distract myself.
This afternoon was the last anxiety management therapy class - ok - mostly just a review of the last two classes, so why did I keep getting the feeling that I wanted to run out of the room or jump through the window? I just don't under stand things sometimes, It will not stop me going to other groups though - they do help.

Therapy

2006-11-01T10:40:00.000Z

Yesterdays art therapy was interesting - Nigle seems to think I have a lot of hidden anger as well as being very alone...
I spent quite a bit of time getting worked up last night about the mover to La Palma, do we have enough money, Are we going to be stuck with the place we like on the web (nice place but quite remote and still needs some work), is it the right thing to do? This morning it was feeling just all too much and the old feelings of just wanting to be dead started coming back.
If I could just feel that I was getting somewhere it would help, I just don't seem to be able to do the things that I think I want to... Or is it I just don't know what I want to..
Oh well I suppose I should get on with the ironing..

Flu

2006-10-31T11:19:00.000Z

It's strange that being down with the flu seems to have put the depression in a different light, I have felt too sick to feel anything else.
Now that I am starting to recover from the flu, I am starting to feel down again - It's not fair.
This last weekend we spent in the Isle of Wight, at Sue's place with others from work, It would have been a lot better if both me and Theresa felt better but it was good to get away, and be with friends.
Even though I have not done any thing for a while I still think about cutting myself, the sight of blood seems to be so comforting.

Life

2006-10-19T21:16:00.000+01:00

It seems that just trying to live life is almost impossible at the moment, what ever I try to do fills me with dread, but I still keep trying. How does one try to rebuild a totally destroyed self confidence? I don't know. What will bring me happiness, is it Art.. Perhaps its just finding who I am in this world.
Here I am sitting on my bed lisening to Queen and writing in this Blog.. And suprisingly I achaly feel good! Ok I have done one of the photoshop lesions - the first one in a week or so. Yesterday I even did some drawing - only 10 minutes but it was something. Sometimes doing nothing but lisening to music is a good thing, I wonder if some of my problem is that I am forcing my self, trying to run before I can even crawl?

Dreams

2006-10-16T18:44:00.000+01:00

Some persons seem to think that when you have an obtained to make your dreams come true that this can only be a good thing. But dreams are things that we hope for, that keep us going when things are bad. We rarely look deeply in to how to achieve our dreams or if they will do what we hope for.
When our dreams are handed to us on a plate we have to think carefully if they are what we really want, or if they are particle!
Last week I was made redundant, not a thing that many people rejoice about, also my partner will be made redundant as well but has to work until January. A double blow you may say, but with the money we can make our dream of leaving the country and living in the Canaries.
Has that helped or hindered me - I am not sure as I have had to think if the dream is something I want to live or if the stress of making it happen will be too much for me...

suiside

2006-10-13T18:58:00.000+01:00

Why do I have some days when the first thought of the day is that I want to kill my self? Some days are great but others start bad and just go down hill..

Star parties and redundancies

2006-10-04T09:53:00.000+01:00

The Star Party this weekend at Husmonsux was ok but not for my mental side, I ended up in a gibbering mess on Sunday morning, resulting in the taking of one emergency pill (only one left now) and then sitting in the loo scratching at my wrist with a broken peace of metal.
Things were so bad my partner had to take the next two days off from work as she felt that I was not safe to be left at home. All I wanted to do yesterday was to hide the day away in bed.
Then last night we herd that there will be redudancies at work in our department - the first response was ..... HOORAY! .... And we put our names down for voluntary redundancies. Now I am wondering if that is the right thing to do. If we both get made redundant that we can go off to La Palma, but now I am very nervous about doing that, do I want to leave the place I know?
The last few days I have been worried about next and having to see the Doctor about getting signed off for another month and some of the thoughts were that I would take another overdose if I had to go back to work, but then I am not doing that well at home ether.

Where will I find happiness?

The weekend and all that crap

2006-09-27T21:33:00.000+01:00

Well the weekend was a bit of a washout in several ways - first it rained a lot and the only night that was clear was so damp that the lenses just fogged up all the time. And secondly I just went down.

I have not been feeling that up - in fact I spent most of yesterday in bed just watching videos and lazing around. I got up today, but then I had to go and see my care coordinator this afternoon, so I had to..

Yesterday all I seemed to feel was a driving need to smash things that usually ended up with me thumping the wall, and today has resulted in several cuts to my arm. Nothing deep, How I ever managed to cut my self so must last time I don't know, it hurts!!

I don't know if I can keep on going, and I wonder if it would just be simpler to take the cowards way out. To be honest I don't think that anyone would miss me (ok I know that my partner would, but the rest of the world would not even notice). That is an option, that for now, I will leave.

Thoughts of Blood

2006-09-21T12:14:00.000+01:00

Yesterday afternoon and evening were not very good for me. I just did not seem to be able to do anything except sit and watch junk on TV. I went to sleep last night planning to cut my arm this morning - using broken glass just picked up on the road. - I had pushed a blade into my arm but it was not sharp so did not go in far.
This morning I did pick up a peace of glass while I was on my walk but only touched it to my wrist before I though it in the bin. There are times when I just have to keep trying to get better but right now I feel as if I am slipping down. The need to cut and see my blood run is still in the back of my mind - I am not sure if I do it just as a release or if it is something more, most of the time I do not want to die but sometimes I feel like I just can not go on.
At this moment I feel ok, not too up tight, plan to go into town later and walk by the river and then meet my partner from work, Tomorrow we (me and my partner) are going away for the weekend at a star party, I hope that I will enjoy it and things go well.

Am I doing the right thing?

2006-09-20T09:48:00.000+01:00

I have a good job that pays well, but it seems that that is all I have come to be, just the job. I need time to find who I am, what I want from life. But is it right to want to give up my job to do it. We can survive on my partner's salary, but am I doing this just because I am lazy and don't want to work? I don't even know if what I am doing is what I want to do, if that makes any sense, there are times when I think that I am useless and good for nothing. I have messed up a lot of things, my life, my children, my marriage.

Why am I here!

2006-09-19T20:37:00.000+01:00

Why am I here at this point in my life? And why do I keep wanting to end it all or at least see my blood run on the floor?

I have some problems that have been building for most of my life - like finding that I have to be perfect at every thing I do or it is not worth doing it. Other things relate back to my experiences 6 years ago when my self and my partner were the target of hate crimes. We had rocks and other things throne though the window of our living room and our car. for weeks we lived in our bedroom after dark watching CCTV when ever anyone went past the house, waiting to the fire bomb to come though the window. In the end I took and overdose of paracetamol that put me in hospital, that was the easy way out for me.

We moved from that house but for months I could not cope with being alone or going out.

We now live in London but I have not been well since then, in and out of depression and self harm - cutting my wrist to see the blood flow, but trying to keep going. I have been working for a major web site as a system administrator, but now that is too much to cope with, and I am here wondering were I am going.

I have always loved to draw, though back at school I would say that I was not that good, and have not really done that much over the passing years. Now I feel that I need to make a big change in my life (its not the first time..) and try to find my artistic side, to find something that will help be cope with this life.