A new place to go.

Helen Index : 3-4
Mood        : pensive

It's funny that small things can change how you look at life, yesterday I was reading the forward from "Tails from Earthsea". In it the aurthur was talking of how she would go to Earthsea and see what was going on there, to her the place was real in her imagination. That got me thinking if I could build an imaginary world that would be the inspiration for my Art. But what sort of world would it be, one full of mirrors reflecting other worlds? It would have to have people (but not as we know them, perhaps here is a place for my cats) and animals grate and small, it would have to be a place of wonder. why limit it to just a world, how about a whole universe, a place to travel and explore and if I can document.
Could I really come up with something original? I can only try...

Thoughts of the past - how did I get into all this

Helen Index : 4
Mood        : OK but confused

I was thinking, last week, about why I got into taking overdoses. I realised that is was nothing to do with trying to kill my self, at first, all I wanted to do was escape from the feelings that I was struggling under. I started to take "feminax" which is a combination of Caffeine and Paracetamol, it would put me into a state that felt a little like floating for a short while. For that short time I was free for the feelings that seemed to knot them selves around my stomach. That release only lasted for a very Short while and then I was sick for a very long while but I did it week after week. Some where in that time, I changed from waiting a short release to looking for a permanent one. I don't think that I have ever really wanted to take my life by committing suicide, I have too much I would like to do. Its just that there have been times when I just can not cope with the feelings that I have and just want out.
At the moment things are a lot better - most of the time, OK there are days when I would rather hide inside the house and most days I avoid others when I am alone. But, for some things, I think life is getting better.

Is This The Start of a Phobia

Helen Index : 5
Mood        : changeable

My fear of other people on the road here is getting worse.. I am not afraid to be out and among others in town but here at home I am terrified..... It all stems from the problems in communicating with others, although my Spanish is improving - slowly - my fear seems to be getting really bad.
I have even caught myself literally running and hiding when someone local comes past, its not good. In a way I feel more worried that this is happening here than why it is happening, I don't want to get lumbered with a phobia that results in me staying inside the house all the time.
A the moment all it is doing is stopping me from getting on with the work outside when Theresa is not here - OK I can work at the back of the house or inside but I have some jobs to do on the roof and even getting sand and gravel down from the car park is out.
On a completely different topic, why when I want to do something it is so hard to do it. Yes I want to draw better - I have so meny ideas that I need to put down - just don't have the ability to do it. I know that I should draw everyday but I just cannot do it - there is always something more important to do, or I just don't feel I can do it.

Why am I SO Tired

Helen Index : 5
Mood        : Tired

Things are better, I have come to terms with the work I am doing - Just my artistic temperament - I hope! But I feel so tired at the moment - probably due to the weather, it has rained everyday since we got back from the UK. All I want to do at the moment is go back to bed for an hour or so, but I have so much to do today... Mind you I could spend an hour thinking how to do something, I also have several adds to regenerate from scratch and some content to find (OK I don't have to do that). And in the back of my mind is all the work that needs to be done on the house, but for some reason I don't feel that enthusiastic about that.
Last night we watched an old Cold Case episode, about the murder of a Gay Guy.. The end was a gay wedding, I just went so soppy I almost cried... I really do love Theresa. So why is living so hard, if I don't keep in hard control is is so easy just to slip down to where I can not see any reason to keep going, there are times when it all seems so pointless. But that is when I let go, at the moment I just keep my head down and push on..

Back from Trip and Back to Bed

Helen Index : 6-7 jumping to 9 but under control.
Mood        : Very Low

Falling off of a wall, then getting a bad head cold (I will not go deeply into what has been coming out of my nose, just to say that I have not seen that shade of fluorescent yellow in nature before....) and having problems with the plane flights both to the UK and back again. It's funny that the problems were with BA and not Iberia flights.... But after a fast week we did eventually get back to La Palma, one of our bags arriving a day later via a completely different route... The result of all of this is that I am totally out of it. I did not get dressed yesterday and slept half the day. Most of that was due to a bad reaction to changes to a Mag. layout that I am doing. I don't mind changes But asking the impossible and making big changes to what I thought was agreed, with only a week before it need to be at the printers. I don't blame the messenger at all, But I think that the person asking for the changes does not know what they are talking about... I had to go to bed after an hours work as I was getting so worked up that I was tempted to tell them what they could do with it... Thoughts of silting my wrists were back.
BUT I did keep it under control, and get back to the layout later yesterday. It's sad that after a year and a half, one small bit of perceived criticism can send be spiraling down, when I thought that things were going a lot better. It may have been a lot better if all the other crap had not happened. But then it may just be my artistic temperament showing its self...

Some Good, Some Bad, And a pain in the Back

Helen Index : 6
Mood        : Low

Last week I fell off a wall, only about 1.5M (about 4feet) but I landed on an assortment of rocks and a 3 inch diameter pipe. The result of which was a trip to the Doctors and then to the hospital as the Doctor thought that I may have broken a rib or two. I haven't, but they said that I had bruised them badly.

The result of all this is that I have taken a big nose dive. I seem to be very insular - not wanting to be around people and paranoid that things are going to go terribly wrong - somewhere... Tomorrow we are off to the UK to see my first Grandchild, Theo, I am very nervous about flying at the moment, not about crashing just about missing connections etc...

I watched The Catwoman movie yesterday, and good quote from it was "When you are truly comfortable with who and what you are you are Free" Ok its not an exact match but I think its good.

The new year

Helen Index : 5
Mood        : Changeable

Its a new year and it seems to have started with a low. Why is it that the my life seems to be run by my low times - those times when my stomach seems to knot up and all I want to do is hide.
Also at this moment it seems that my temper is starting to get uncontrolled at times, I can just lose it with out much precaution. these are uncertain times and I don't archly know what corces it.

Do you know what is the most annoying thing - Someone asking "Why do I feel Down" - most of the time I don't know or there is not one thing that seem to be connected to it. Yes I am worried about money, and I have been here in La Palma for almost a year. No I am not home sick, well not that much. But in the past two attempts to start a new life in another country, it has started to go bad after a year, and only lasted 2 years. I like the type of life that is possible here, having a house and land, that would just not be possible back in the UK. Also the money is running out fast and we only have just enough to eat coming in (and that is only 10 months of the year).

Oh well must go have to get ready to go the Garifa to collect paperwork...

Still down

Helen Index : 6
Mood        : All over the place

Things have not setles down... It seems that each day is a new strugel to just keep going - It's 10:45 in the morning and I am writing this in bed.. And we have just lost power - They are working on the power lines in the vilage..

Progress but its a bit painfull

Helen Index : 5-6
Mood        : OK

The last few days I have been feeling rather unwell, Last Friday I ended up with my first migraine in around 5 years, and then I had another one on Sunday. Why now, I don't know, it all starts with my eyes and not being able to see clearly and then the jazzy lights start and that leads to the pain in the head. I would not say that it is very bad but it sorts of stops me doing anything and it can also resulting in feeling sick (nauseous). As a result of this I have not done much work on the house but have managed to do some drawing and reading etc.

First I have finished my first go at a digital art image using Bryce5 and Photoshop. I started the image as a workshop from ImageineFX Issue 14. The workshop was by Adam Benton and he provided the model of the space ship and some instructions. I will admit that I found the workshop hard to follow, with some instructions very detailed and others very vague, It was not very usefully for a complete novice. But I persevered and I am quite pleased with the result.Click image to enlarge

The image above consists of 4 Bryce models, one for the ship and land and 3 for the planet. The separate rendered images are then put together in Photoshop.

I have also been reading a Spanish book about Canarian volcanoes, I seem to get interested in a lot of diverse things, and trying to read a Spanish book does help my Spanish, if only in volcanic technical terms. But I have learned that La Palma consists of two main groups of volcano's, 5 very large ones to the north and one smaller one to the south (though the southern one consists of many vents), The one thing of interest is that originally I thought that La Palma had only one Caldera, and that was the result of erosion. but there is actually two and the hidden one (though it may not be a strict caldera) is much, much bigger. - I need to write it up some time once I can work out a way to generate a set of graphics to illustrate it..

From bad to worse

Helen Index :6
Mood        :Low

It seems that since I have been taking the meds for high blood pressure (started again around a month ago) my mood has goon down.
Last week there was an item on panic attacks on the radio. I seem to get something like them, but instead of the racing hart and sick in the stomach. I seem to get suicide attacks.. Something will set me off, a situation, a noise or a thought, and then I feel my stomach knotting up and then the feelings and thoughts come... This can happen any time and for any thing. Here in La Palma its the nabors or going to the doctors or even going out of the door on my own. Some times it just make life a miserable existence.
It seems to be getting worse at the moment but I am still trying to cope with it all but some times I just wounder if it is all worth it.

Holosysnc

Helen Index :5-7
Mood        :Up (At the moment)

The last few weeks have been sort of bad - to the point of some of the old problems coming back. I have found a way to stop things getting too bad, its called Holosync.. I am not one to trust all the hype, especially when it comes from the USA, but the demonstration peace has seemed to help and even pulled me back from the verge of going over the precipice into real bad times. I don't seem to listen as often I should do, Well I have ordered the full version and when it arrives we will see how it works out.

It seems that most nights I go to sleep thinking about taking my life - but don't end up doing much about it.

Been Very Busy

Helen Index :6
Mood        :Good

We have been very busy the last month. When I am busy doing things I don't feel that bad. In fact I have been feeling quite good a lot of the time. But then, for no real resean I get these feelings come over me, feelings of depression and the thoughts of taking my own life are there again. Not strong, but there in the back of my mind. Some of it is due to my lack of Spanish communication ability, others to just the way I am.
A big problem at the moment is money, we have some but it seems to be going quite quickly at the moment, we need to start getting some coming in, if we don't then this may all fall apart and I am not sure how I will cope with going back to the UK. Although I d wonder if I can cope here as well.

Oh well time for bed..

Thoughts still bother me

Helen Index :6
Mood        :OK

Things seem to be getting better , but why then do thoughts of giving it all up and take my life still hover in the background of my mind. It can happen any time, I will be in the car just looking out and then these thoughts just slam in to my current thoughts. I cope but I wish things would not keep hitting me.

Worried.

Helen Index : 6
Mood        : Low and worried

What I am worried about I don't quite know, things just seem to get on top of me. Like the import of the car.. I do wonder if it will last long enough to get it imported.. or where the glass will stay in the windows while the putty runs down the window frames.

I just need to take things slowly and hope that it will get better..

Steps to Confusion

Helen Index : 6 to 8
Mood        : Low

Not a good few days - Trying to work on the steps of the house - Again one of the locals stopped to talk about what we were doing, As seems to happen Theresa was out, it seems that when ever some one stops to talk about the steps Theresa is not there. The result of this that I just get completely confused. I am not sure what was said, but I think there is a problem... The thing is that the entrance drops about 1.5M from the road in about 2M and was made up of rock and ruble and is down right dangerous. But I think that we should have talked to the local council before starting.
The result of all this misunderstandings is that I am getting to the point that I am terrified of being outside the house and slowly getting uptight being inside the place as well. In the last two or three weeks the Helen index has hit 8 if this carries on things are going to be bad..

Sick

Not a very good few days - I have been down with some bug.. - not sure what, Mostly aches and pains, and most of the pain was abdominal and lower back - sort of kidneys and liver.. Also my blood pressure rocketed up to 186/105 . its a bit better now (143/98). The Helen index has also rocked to a 10 though that has also dropped now to round 7 ( I need to do a graphic or something to show my index each time I write here).
As to how I feel - I am feeling very down about being here in La Palma, a lot of it is homesickness, possibly, but I am wondering if coming here was a big mistake. I feel sometimes like there is no ware here that is safe...

Hell Has Arived

This morning it feels like hell has arrived here on La Palma, I have spent most of the morning in bed, a lot of the time has been spent trying to get control of myself and stop thinking about destroying anything that came to hand.
How did I get things under control, one, stay somewhere safe (in bed in this case), two, try to find something to brake the train of thought, ( playing freecell on the Arcos and then reading), and three trying to write things down, which is what I am trying to do now.
What was it that brought this all on. well it started last night in that we did not get done all that I wanted to do mainly not ordering furniture and getting a water tank. Whether we could use the tank completely or not is not the point but it was a goal, and the furniture was so that the matres would be delivered. Then when we got home we found that the one thing we had managed to get (3G Internet connection) would not work (only get 56K GPRS connection) and not sure if the limit of 1Gb per month is enough. It seems that what ever we try goes wrong. OK there it all is.. On the up side we do have a network connection and I hope we can opt for the higher download limit if 1Gb is not enough.
All this goes to show that I am siting on the edge still.

Run in with the Post Man

Another day with minor upsets in my mind - all it takes is a look, I wish I was telepathic or even empathic but then I would know what people really thought and in a way that could be worse. Mind you true telepathy would get round the need to learn Spanish. I do hate the misunderstandings that a poor grasp of a language results in. Two days a go I put up a post box, on the understanding that the postman comes up the peaster (steep road) that our hours is on. But then some one stopped to talk to us as we walked along the road it would appear that he was the local postman (or one of them) no uniform and no official transport (just a clapped out car). he does not go up the peaster so the box was no good outside the house - we could not quite workout if the box should be placed at the bottom by the half oil drum or that the half oil drum was the post box... That conversation, partly due to not being able to completely understand what he said and partly due to having done something wrong, AGAIN... upset me again. Mind you it was partly offset by stumbling across one of the current Doctor Who episodes on one of the streams channels on the satellite...

Then this morning while building the steps out the front one of the neighbours came past as she was on the way down the peaster, She did not say any thing bad, just you have a lot of work (or you are doing a lot of work) but she gave an odd look as she was going... and to me a look can kill... Not to bad at the moment, Theresa is off shopping and I have the radio on (a hole satellite system to pick up radio 2) it does help. my state of mind has improved a lot over the last few days, the thoughts of suicide have dropped right down, most of the time now, they are still there in the back of my mind but only as a vague future possibility.

Down But Not Out and getting a bit better

I lay in bed this morning feeling low and thinking about taking my life - not the planing thoughts but the thoughts that arrive before you start to plan, I can not take this, will it ever end, etc. The "this" is not that well defined, but has something to do with feeling isolated and that I can do nothing right (with the locals that is).

Now I feel a little better, I am sitting here on the bed listening to Radio 2 (we managed to get the satellite system working) and working on the laptop without worrying about the battery life, Yes the power is on, Hoooraaaaay!!!! Ok the satellite dish is propped up between several breeze blocks and we have power to 4 sockets (three in one room) and one light but its power.

The main thing that helped be today was the def neighbour stopping to talk about what I am doing and I understood some of what she was saying about needing the access down the side of the house to get a rotorvator down to the terraces below.. I think people will be happy when I have done with the steps and perhaps I can put a ramp in as well. Also two other neighbours came round and stated I should get a man to do the work instead of doing it myself.. GET a MAN ... No thanks.. (smile)...

Here in La Palma

Well we are now living full time in La Palma, the trip out was hell but things may begetting better now we have been here for a week.

Not a bad day today, the feelings of despair are still there hovering in the background but I seem to be able to push them down, most of the time. The main problem are the feelings of inadequacy that seem to creep up at the most inconvenient times.

I hope that this place will work out, I am worried about money and how we are going to live but for now a new bathroom and having the power on seen to be more of a worry.

But then look at it now, here I am sitting in the garden listening to the birds sing at 20:30 in the evening, the sun has gone down behind the next ridge (lomo), Theresa is in the kitchen fighting with the fire to cook dinner, and the place is so peace full, if it was not for the nagging feeling at the back of my stomach I would be very happy. The view from where I am sitting (before the sun went down).

Yes I am worried about the locals, the lack of good communication plays on my paranoia, I do wonder if being totally isolated would not have been better, but only in the Short term.