Thoughts still bother me

Helen Index :6
Mood        :OK

Things seem to be getting better , but why then do thoughts of giving it all up and take my life still hover in the background of my mind. It can happen any time, I will be in the car just looking out and then these thoughts just slam in to my current thoughts. I cope but I wish things would not keep hitting me.

Worried.

Helen Index : 6
Mood        : Low and worried

What I am worried about I don't quite know, things just seem to get on top of me. Like the import of the car.. I do wonder if it will last long enough to get it imported.. or where the glass will stay in the windows while the putty runs down the window frames.

I just need to take things slowly and hope that it will get better..

Steps to Confusion

Helen Index : 6 to 8
Mood        : Low

Not a good few days - Trying to work on the steps of the house - Again one of the locals stopped to talk about what we were doing, As seems to happen Theresa was out, it seems that when ever some one stops to talk about the steps Theresa is not there. The result of this that I just get completely confused. I am not sure what was said, but I think there is a problem... The thing is that the entrance drops about 1.5M from the road in about 2M and was made up of rock and ruble and is down right dangerous. But I think that we should have talked to the local council before starting.
The result of all this misunderstandings is that I am getting to the point that I am terrified of being outside the house and slowly getting uptight being inside the place as well. In the last two or three weeks the Helen index has hit 8 if this carries on things are going to be bad..

Sick

Not a very good few days - I have been down with some bug.. - not sure what, Mostly aches and pains, and most of the pain was abdominal and lower back - sort of kidneys and liver.. Also my blood pressure rocketed up to 186/105 . its a bit better now (143/98). The Helen index has also rocked to a 10 though that has also dropped now to round 7 ( I need to do a graphic or something to show my index each time I write here).
As to how I feel - I am feeling very down about being here in La Palma, a lot of it is homesickness, possibly, but I am wondering if coming here was a big mistake. I feel sometimes like there is no ware here that is safe...

Hell Has Arived

This morning it feels like hell has arrived here on La Palma, I have spent most of the morning in bed, a lot of the time has been spent trying to get control of myself and stop thinking about destroying anything that came to hand.
How did I get things under control, one, stay somewhere safe (in bed in this case), two, try to find something to brake the train of thought, ( playing freecell on the Arcos and then reading), and three trying to write things down, which is what I am trying to do now.
What was it that brought this all on. well it started last night in that we did not get done all that I wanted to do mainly not ordering furniture and getting a water tank. Whether we could use the tank completely or not is not the point but it was a goal, and the furniture was so that the matres would be delivered. Then when we got home we found that the one thing we had managed to get (3G Internet connection) would not work (only get 56K GPRS connection) and not sure if the limit of 1Gb per month is enough. It seems that what ever we try goes wrong. OK there it all is.. On the up side we do have a network connection and I hope we can opt for the higher download limit if 1Gb is not enough.
All this goes to show that I am siting on the edge still.

Run in with the Post Man

Another day with minor upsets in my mind - all it takes is a look, I wish I was telepathic or even empathic but then I would know what people really thought and in a way that could be worse. Mind you true telepathy would get round the need to learn Spanish. I do hate the misunderstandings that a poor grasp of a language results in. Two days a go I put up a post box, on the understanding that the postman comes up the peaster (steep road) that our hours is on. But then some one stopped to talk to us as we walked along the road it would appear that he was the local postman (or one of them) no uniform and no official transport (just a clapped out car). he does not go up the peaster so the box was no good outside the house - we could not quite workout if the box should be placed at the bottom by the half oil drum or that the half oil drum was the post box... That conversation, partly due to not being able to completely understand what he said and partly due to having done something wrong, AGAIN... upset me again. Mind you it was partly offset by stumbling across one of the current Doctor Who episodes on one of the streams channels on the satellite...

Then this morning while building the steps out the front one of the neighbours came past as she was on the way down the peaster, She did not say any thing bad, just you have a lot of work (or you are doing a lot of work) but she gave an odd look as she was going... and to me a look can kill... Not to bad at the moment, Theresa is off shopping and I have the radio on (a hole satellite system to pick up radio 2) it does help. my state of mind has improved a lot over the last few days, the thoughts of suicide have dropped right down, most of the time now, they are still there in the back of my mind but only as a vague future possibility.

Down But Not Out and getting a bit better

I lay in bed this morning feeling low and thinking about taking my life - not the planing thoughts but the thoughts that arrive before you start to plan, I can not take this, will it ever end, etc. The "this" is not that well defined, but has something to do with feeling isolated and that I can do nothing right (with the locals that is).

Now I feel a little better, I am sitting here on the bed listening to Radio 2 (we managed to get the satellite system working) and working on the laptop without worrying about the battery life, Yes the power is on, Hoooraaaaay!!!! Ok the satellite dish is propped up between several breeze blocks and we have power to 4 sockets (three in one room) and one light but its power.

The main thing that helped be today was the def neighbour stopping to talk about what I am doing and I understood some of what she was saying about needing the access down the side of the house to get a rotorvator down to the terraces below.. I think people will be happy when I have done with the steps and perhaps I can put a ramp in as well. Also two other neighbours came round and stated I should get a man to do the work instead of doing it myself.. GET a MAN ... No thanks.. (smile)...

Here in La Palma

Well we are now living full time in La Palma, the trip out was hell but things may begetting better now we have been here for a week.

Not a bad day today, the feelings of despair are still there hovering in the background but I seem to be able to push them down, most of the time. The main problem are the feelings of inadequacy that seem to creep up at the most inconvenient times.

I hope that this place will work out, I am worried about money and how we are going to live but for now a new bathroom and having the power on seen to be more of a worry.

But then look at it now, here I am sitting in the garden listening to the birds sing at 20:30 in the evening, the sun has gone down behind the next ridge (lomo), Theresa is in the kitchen fighting with the fire to cook dinner, and the place is so peace full, if it was not for the nagging feeling at the back of my stomach I would be very happy. The view from where I am sitting (before the sun went down).

Yes I am worried about the locals, the lack of good communication plays on my paranoia, I do wonder if being totally isolated would not have been better, but only in the Short term.

Up and down in La Plama

This Holiday was OK until I got the flu that lasted for 3 weeks - it came and then it went and then it sneaked back and floored me with a large frying pan !!!!

Friday we finally signed on the house although I was not sure that it was the right thing to do, due to the flu I had spent the last week in bed and just did not really believe that all would work out OK. To be honest I still am a little apprehensive about the place but I am fulling in love with the place. Finally at 2:15 (and the notary closes at 2:00) we signed the contract and haded the money over, did we get anything in return --- nope. So there we were money gone and no house keys, so it was a bit of a letdown. The evening was spent on a right royal bar craw around Santa Cruse until 1:00 am, a very pleasant evening with Theresa and Sheila.

Saturday was a complete downer, I spent most of it asleep and depressed. Thinking about going back to the UK and staying there - running away and dieing in some lonely place... Today has been a lot better, we spent a very good afternoon at the new house with the old owners and Sheila and Julio eating a very nice barbeq....

Now we have only 2 days left here and then we return to the UK But for only 2 weeks and then we return for the rest of our lives - part of me is scared stiff and another part can't wait ....

Buying a house

Here I am on La Plama, trying to buy a house to have as our own little place. My problems have not gone away - most of the time I am doing well - apart from having a very nasty cold with sore throat.
The stresses of getting a place have been taking there tole. There have been a few nights when I have gone to bed and thought about getting up and running away. But things are moving on and I think it will workout OK.
I am also getting some art done and a few things for others.
Not much to say at the moment as I have just spent several hours updating the blog about the house .

At The End of a Very Busy Week

What a week this has been - It seems to have consisted of never ending clearing and packing interspersed with trips to the dump or shopping. The main good thing I can say about it is that I have felt a lot better in the mornings. With Theresa home I don't dread getting up and facing a day on my own. That has not stopped the feelings of self harm and suicide creeping in now and again, but it is still only thoughts and feelings - no action.
I would not say that we are completely ready for the move next week but we are as ready as we can be... What the future holds for me I don't know, what I will do with my life, I am not sure.

Another day with the therapist

As seems to happen after going to Therapy I seem to be feeling better. The thing is that Nigel seem to keep throwing things at me that make me think. Some times that is good and sometimes that is bad.

I am starting to realise that I don't really live my life but am just floating down the torrent that is life without any direction in my life. I don't really think about things much. even when I try to all I seem to do is go round and round in circles. Tying to understand what is going on in my mind is very hard and all I seem to do is bump off some barrier and then give up. I don't seem to be able find a foot hold on this problem. Even now writing this I just don't know what to say, I just don't know where to go.

Here is another little poem (or what ever) produced this morning as a result of the feelings from my therapy:

Reality.

What is my reality,
And is that the same
As the next persons?

Do we all exist in one,
Or are we bubbles in the foam of life,
Separate and distinct.

I don't seem to know
If what I remember about yesterday,
Really happened, or was all an allusion.

My reality is Now,
Only this millisecond,
What is past is gone.

It flows like oil on water,
Multi coloured, intermixed,
Reality and invention.

Impossible to separate,
Reality becomes fogged,
And I lose who I am.

Another day in Hell

Things do seem to be going from good to bad and I don't realy know why. Yesterday I did nothing - spending most of the morning in bed and the afternoon watching TV. The evning was better as we went to the monthy smart meating. It was good to get out of the house.
But today seems to be worce, I got up and had a walk - Much better - Then wrote some thoughts down (see below) wich was very good, Then packed up some bits that we have sold on ebay, But sitting in the back of my mind was the desire to harm my self, I just can not get rid of it at the moment. I am off out as I just think staying round the home is going to end in spilt blood!

Dreams

Dreams,
How do you tell,
The vague imaginings of the hart,
From the tantalizing deceptions of the mind.

Why is it,
That I hang tight to the fools gold,
And discard the precious gems,
That would lead me through these dark times.

How do you willow,
The chaff from the seed,
And store up that which will,
Grow into reality.

True dreams are not easy to archive,
And may not be reached,
But provide inspiration and drive,
That propel me upwards.

False dreams deceive,
They tangle about me,
And tether my sole, secretly,
In the depths of hell.

Not Another Day

"Not Another Day." That seems to be the thought that goes through my mind when I get up at the moment. Mind you the mornings at the weekend seem to be a little better, though the evenings are about the same. I did get to do some art last night, I am not sure about the result - it is still hard for me to say that something is "good enough", there is still the tendency to say it is ether right or wrong and if it is wrong it is worthless. But things are not black and white, there is a contiguous change between black and white and I must see this.
As to the Art work I am working on - what do you think?



The missing part of the middle fingers is intentional as something is going in front of them. I am not 100% happy with lines on the palm but am about 70% - 80% happy with it which is not bad. Also this is only the second digital picture that I have tried to do so it is some what of an experiment. Well I will see how the image progresses..

Fear leads to Anxiety

I have been feeling very uptight the last few weeks, it seems to start the moment I get up. Or more to the point the moment I start thinking about getting up, and lasts for most of the day. The trouble is that I have not been able to work out why this is. I tried to talk about it yesterday with Nigel, my Therapist (och that sounds so American...) but could not quite get to what was coursing it. He keeps coming back to my transition and church, or a lot of my current problems started then, but I had problems before that. Like any change it solved some problems and created some more. To be honest I am probably better of now than I would have been if I did not transition, but it is hard to compare a current state with that of a possible one... You can be never sure what mite have been.

Anyway the point of this is that I have been trying to work out what is getting me so uptight and this morning it sort of hit me, I am afraid of another day! what about the day I am not sure - possibly it's just being here on my own, may be it is all the changes that are going on at the moment. But partly it feels like just being uptight about facing another day.

Went to the doctors this morning for a check up (blood pressure etc) and to get enough pills to see me through the 6 weeks in La Palma. I was also trying to get my medication changed as it does not seem to be helping with the depression - small hope of that.. I know I have been feeling worse lately and feeling like self harming and wondering if it is all worth it - but it is under control and I have been able to keep it under control. But the Doctors were all for sending me to a crises clinic today.. I don't think it is that bad at the moment... or is IT? That is the problem with me, I can feel mostly OK one minute and over dosing or cutting the next.. But at the moment It is not that bad just on a bit of a down word trend.

Christmas

Hi all
Well Christmas is over for another year, apart from the cleaning up of the junk , and the disposal of leftover Christmas puddings etc. As to how it went, well we spent Christmas day with the Kids (at Dee's), it was nice to see them all, only one minor argument between a tied Sealy (Dan) and a misbehaving network connection... Apart from that it was a very pleasant day with a good dinner.. Everyone liked there presents, I think. I got a few books - mostly Terry Pratcit (which was what I asked for) so I am fixed for reading for the next few months. As well as the boxed set of the Ghost in the Shell, second Gig from Theresa.
Boxing Day we spent quietly at home - not really doing much. I will admit Christmas is for small children, they get so excited and that makes Christmas.. Christmas is a time for others, not our selves, with list of things to chose from it makes buying presents so simple but takes the love and care out of it.. But I feel so distant from everyone that I don't know much about them... I wonder if next year we should not draw up lists for or selves but do them for someone else.. (I do one for Theresa's presents and She does one for mine) - that way we have to put love into the list and the person that will receive the presents has no idea what they are getting ...
Today I feel the same old problems returning, the same pressures and worries, will things work out, can I cope with life, is it worth it, and most importantly will it ever end. there were times during my walk this morning that I just could not see an end to the pain.

Down again

Why is it that when things seem to be coming together I fall apart. Today I feel that just giving up and ending it all. I don't want to die really but I just feel like I can not cope. But what is it I can not cope with, things that a few days ago I would have just not even thought about are making me see red. Also I feel like I am no good.

What Have I got to do that is winding me up so much - is it the fact that I have to do some drawings for thereby, I will admit that I probably want to do a better job than is needed but is that what has got me wanting to reach for the knife.

Things seem to be coming together for the move ok, but there are all ways the small things that seem to get to me - like getting paper work done, will we have a place to move to by the time we arrive on the Island with the car.. Nothing is unsumountable but I seem to get so up tight about anything.

I seem to be very angry with Dan this morning - just for leaving his computer down loading so that it was using most of our bandwidth and I could not get on the web to do the few bits I need to do, there were some of the old flashing thoughts of destroying things .. I don't like myself when I feel like that.

Although I have a lot to do I think I will go and spend a while in bed and see how I feel later.

Walking

Out on my morning walk, (I am trying to lose whight - and it looks like it may be working, I needed to do the belt up one more notch this morning), I started daydreaming about stumbling across a film crew doing a detective show with a Transexal detective. Ok a silly daydream, but it ended up in a bit of a laugh when I came apon a REAL film crew seting up at the top of the Rookery (If you live in south London you may now know where I go walking in the mornings). It just seemed funy that here I was daydreaming about finding a film crew in the Rookery and then here they were...

Now the point of my day dream was that I ended up taling with the actris that was playing the dectective and I invited her home to talk about my experances during transition and life as a transexal. After coming acrose the real film crew the daydream sort of petered out and I started to think about what I was dreaming about. It seems that a lot of the time in my dreams (most of the ones that I have while I am awake that is) I seem to make freands with important peapel like this actris, I can even remeber dreaming about making feinds with roalty, and they want to be freinds with me becouse they NEED ME! But in real life I would probably run the other way. My dream me seems to be so different from the persion that I am - I just can not live up to that persion.

This is where I start feeling deprested and uptight. I have had a few epersodes latly where I start feeling very anxus and then - Wham! like a flash gun in the dark - this feeling of killing myself arives. Most of the time I can just cope with it, but if I am down, that is when bad things have happened in the past. At the moment it just knocks me of balance for a while.

Todays positive picture is below, I did this using an airbrush a few years ago for a present for my yungest doughter as she was (and still is) very much into Chinese culture.

When will this end

Things definitely seem to be going down hill at the moment. Instead of getting less I seem to be getting more and more anxious about things, anything. I find that all I have to do is think about something and my stomach seems to get time up in knots. The news holds so many things that can make me get up tight - Bird Flue, variant CDJ, cancer, Radiation, Global Worming - There are times when it gets just too much. Even though theses things may not directly effect me I still worry about it. This morning I got very up tight worrying about Theresa dyeing. Sometimes I can control it but most of the time I have to go and hide in bed or just lay own and do something to distract my mind.
On a more positive not I did have a good evening last night at Theresa's works Christmas Party, It was good to be among friends and for a few hours I was able to forget my own problems (real or imaginary).

Hiding

The last few days have been very difficult, nothing seems to have set it off, but I have been plagued by feelings of anxiety. These are accompanied by thoughts of self harm or wanting someone else harming me. Today I just stayed in bed for most of the morning and slept, on and off, with thoughts of cutting my stomach or leg, where none can see. So far these are just thoughts. Also I can get somethings done if I disperse them between taking a nap or playing Freecell on the Arcos.

On the subject of moving to La Palma; things are moving on, most of the packing is done (well there seems to be a lot of odds and ends that need to be collected together, but the rest is done), The things for the car seem to be growing and I wonder if we will have enough room... Money is my main worry, we have things all planed out and seem to be keeping to the budget but as we don't know everything, if anything big comes up we could be in a problem, and then others think we are loaded and keep asking us to do or pay for things - I find it hard to say no.. So I end up worrying about things.

One small thing I have accomplished is a simple 3D model in AutoCad. Never done it before but it seems to have come out ok.. What do you think, I know it is not much but I feel that it is a small achievement , and for me any achievement is important.

To night is Theresa's (and my old) works Christmas party, so I am sitting here after a shower doing my nails - at least I am going (at the moment) as I had serious doubts that I could this morning.