Flu

It's strange that being down with the flu seems to have put the depression in a different light, I have felt too sick to feel anything else.
Now that I am starting to recover from the flu, I am starting to feel down again - It's not fair.
This last weekend we spent in the Isle of Wight, at Sue's place with others from work, It would have been a lot better if both me and Theresa felt better but it was good to get away, and be with friends.
Even though I have not done any thing for a while I still think about cutting myself, the sight of blood seems to be so comforting.

Life

It seems that just trying to live life is almost impossible at the moment, what ever I try to do fills me with dread, but I still keep trying. How does one try to rebuild a totally destroyed self confidence? I don't know. What will bring me happiness, is it Art.. Perhaps its just finding who I am in this world.
Here I am sitting on my bed lisening to Queen and writing in this Blog.. And suprisingly I achaly feel good! Ok I have done one of the photoshop lesions - the first one in a week or so. Yesterday I even did some drawing - only 10 minutes but it was something. Sometimes doing nothing but lisening to music is a good thing, I wonder if some of my problem is that I am forcing my self, trying to run before I can even crawl?

Dreams

Some persons seem to think that when you have an obtained to make your dreams come true that this can only be a good thing. But dreams are things that we hope for, that keep us going when things are bad. We rarely look deeply in to how to achieve our dreams or if they will do what we hope for.
When our dreams are handed to us on a plate we have to think carefully if they are what we really want, or if they are particle!
Last week I was made redundant, not a thing that many people rejoice about, also my partner will be made redundant as well but has to work until January. A double blow you may say, but with the money we can make our dream of leaving the country and living in the Canaries.
Has that helped or hindered me - I am not sure as I have had to think if the dream is something I want to live or if the stress of making it happen will be too much for me...

suiside

Why do I have some days when the first thought of the day is that I want to kill my self? Some days are great but others start bad and just go down hill..

Star parties and redundancies

The Star Party this weekend at Husmonsux was ok but not for my mental side, I ended up in a gibbering mess on Sunday morning, resulting in the taking of one emergency pill (only one left now) and then sitting in the loo scratching at my wrist with a broken peace of metal.
Things were so bad my partner had to take the next two days off from work as she felt that I was not safe to be left at home. All I wanted to do yesterday was to hide the day away in bed.
Then last night we herd that there will be redudancies at work in our department - the first response was ..... HOORAY! .... And we put our names down for voluntary redundancies. Now I am wondering if that is the right thing to do. If we both get made redundant that we can go off to La Palma, but now I am very nervous about doing that, do I want to leave the place I know?
The last few days I have been worried about next and having to see the Doctor about getting signed off for another month and some of the thoughts were that I would take another overdose if I had to go back to work, but then I am not doing that well at home ether.

Where will I find happiness?