Hi all
Well Christmas is over for another year, apart from the cleaning up of the junk , and the disposal of leftover Christmas puddings etc. As to how it went, well we spent Christmas day with the Kids (at Dee's), it was nice to see them all, only one minor argument between a tied Sealy (Dan) and a misbehaving network connection... Apart from that it was a very pleasant day with a good dinner.. Everyone liked there presents, I think. I got a few books - mostly Terry Pratcit (which was what I asked for) so I am fixed for reading for the next few months. As well as the boxed set of the Ghost in the Shell, second Gig from Theresa.
Boxing Day we spent quietly at home - not really doing much. I will admit Christmas is for small children, they get so excited and that makes Christmas.. Christmas is a time for others, not our selves, with list of things to chose from it makes buying presents so simple but takes the love and care out of it.. But I feel so distant from everyone that I don't know much about them... I wonder if next year we should not draw up lists for or selves but do them for someone else.. (I do one for Theresa's presents and She does one for mine) - that way we have to put love into the list and the person that will receive the presents has no idea what they are getting ...
Today I feel the same old problems returning, the same pressures and worries, will things work out, can I cope with life, is it worth it, and most importantly will it ever end. there were times during my walk this morning that I just could not see an end to the pain.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Down again
Why is it that when things seem to be coming together I fall apart. Today I feel that just giving up and ending it all. I don't want to die really but I just feel like I can not cope. But what is it I can not cope with, things that a few days ago I would have just not even thought about are making me see red. Also I feel like I am no good.
What Have I got to do that is winding me up so much - is it the fact that I have to do some drawings for thereby, I will admit that I probably want to do a better job than is needed but is that what has got me wanting to reach for the knife.
Things seem to be coming together for the move ok, but there are all ways the small things that seem to get to me - like getting paper work done, will we have a place to move to by the time we arrive on the Island with the car.. Nothing is unsumountable but I seem to get so up tight about anything.
I seem to be very angry with Dan this morning - just for leaving his computer down loading so that it was using most of our bandwidth and I could not get on the web to do the few bits I need to do, there were some of the old flashing thoughts of destroying things .. I don't like myself when I feel like that.
Although I have a lot to do I think I will go and spend a while in bed and see how I feel later.
What Have I got to do that is winding me up so much - is it the fact that I have to do some drawings for thereby, I will admit that I probably want to do a better job than is needed but is that what has got me wanting to reach for the knife.
Things seem to be coming together for the move ok, but there are all ways the small things that seem to get to me - like getting paper work done, will we have a place to move to by the time we arrive on the Island with the car.. Nothing is unsumountable but I seem to get so up tight about anything.
I seem to be very angry with Dan this morning - just for leaving his computer down loading so that it was using most of our bandwidth and I could not get on the web to do the few bits I need to do, there were some of the old flashing thoughts of destroying things .. I don't like myself when I feel like that.
Although I have a lot to do I think I will go and spend a while in bed and see how I feel later.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Walking
Out on my morning walk, (I am trying to lose whight - and it looks like it may be working, I needed to do the belt up one more notch this morning), I started daydreaming about stumbling across a film crew doing a detective show with a Transexal detective. Ok a silly daydream, but it ended up in a bit of a laugh when I came apon a REAL film crew seting up at the top of the Rookery (If you live in south London you may now know where I go walking in the mornings). It just seemed funy that here I was daydreaming about finding a film crew in the Rookery and then here they were...
Now the point of my day dream was that I ended up taling with the actris that was playing the dectective and I invited her home to talk about my experances during transition and life as a transexal. After coming acrose the real film crew the daydream sort of petered out and I started to think about what I was dreaming about. It seems that a lot of the time in my dreams (most of the ones that I have while I am awake that is) I seem to make freands with important peapel like this actris, I can even remeber dreaming about making feinds with roalty, and they want to be freinds with me becouse they NEED ME! But in real life I would probably run the other way. My dream me seems to be so different from the persion that I am - I just can not live up to that persion.
This is where I start feeling deprested and uptight. I have had a few epersodes latly where I start feeling very anxus and then - Wham! like a flash gun in the dark - this feeling of killing myself arives. Most of the time I can just cope with it, but if I am down, that is when bad things have happened in the past. At the moment it just knocks me of balance for a while.
Todays positive picture is below, I did this using an airbrush a few years ago for a present for my yungest doughter as she was (and still is) very much into Chinese culture.
Now the point of my day dream was that I ended up taling with the actris that was playing the dectective and I invited her home to talk about my experances during transition and life as a transexal. After coming acrose the real film crew the daydream sort of petered out and I started to think about what I was dreaming about. It seems that a lot of the time in my dreams (most of the ones that I have while I am awake that is) I seem to make freands with important peapel like this actris, I can even remeber dreaming about making feinds with roalty, and they want to be freinds with me becouse they NEED ME! But in real life I would probably run the other way. My dream me seems to be so different from the persion that I am - I just can not live up to that persion.
This is where I start feeling deprested and uptight. I have had a few epersodes latly where I start feeling very anxus and then - Wham! like a flash gun in the dark - this feeling of killing myself arives. Most of the time I can just cope with it, but if I am down, that is when bad things have happened in the past. At the moment it just knocks me of balance for a while.
Todays positive picture is below, I did this using an airbrush a few years ago for a present for my yungest doughter as she was (and still is) very much into Chinese culture.
Friday, December 08, 2006
When will this end
Things definitely seem to be going down hill at the moment. Instead of getting less I seem to be getting more and more anxious about things, anything. I find that all I have to do is think about something and my stomach seems to get time up in knots. The news holds so many things that can make me get up tight - Bird Flue, variant CDJ, cancer, Radiation, Global Worming - There are times when it gets just too much. Even though theses things may not directly effect me I still worry about it. This morning I got very up tight worrying about Theresa dyeing. Sometimes I can control it but most of the time I have to go and hide in bed or just lay own and do something to distract my mind.
On a more positive not I did have a good evening last night at Theresa's works Christmas Party, It was good to be among friends and for a few hours I was able to forget my own problems (real or imaginary).
On a more positive not I did have a good evening last night at Theresa's works Christmas Party, It was good to be among friends and for a few hours I was able to forget my own problems (real or imaginary).
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Hiding
The last few days have been very difficult, nothing seems to have set it off, but I have been plagued by feelings of anxiety. These are accompanied by thoughts of self harm or wanting someone else harming me. Today I just stayed in bed for most of the morning and slept, on and off, with thoughts of cutting my stomach or leg, where none can see. So far these are just thoughts. Also I can get somethings done if I disperse them between taking a nap or playing Freecell on the Arcos.
On the subject of moving to La Palma; things are moving on, most of the packing is done (well there seems to be a lot of odds and ends that need to be collected together, but the rest is done), The things for the car seem to be growing and I wonder if we will have enough room... Money is my main worry, we have things all planed out and seem to be keeping to the budget but as we don't know everything, if anything big comes up we could be in a problem, and then others think we are loaded and keep asking us to do or pay for things - I find it hard to say no.. So I end up worrying about things.
One small thing I have accomplished is a simple 3D model in AutoCad. Never done it before but it seems to have come out ok.. What do you think, I know it is not much but I feel that it is a small achievement , and for me any achievement is important.
To night is Theresa's (and my old) works Christmas party, so I am sitting here after a shower doing my nails - at least I am going (at the moment) as I had serious doubts that I could this morning.
On the subject of moving to La Palma; things are moving on, most of the packing is done (well there seems to be a lot of odds and ends that need to be collected together, but the rest is done), The things for the car seem to be growing and I wonder if we will have enough room... Money is my main worry, we have things all planed out and seem to be keeping to the budget but as we don't know everything, if anything big comes up we could be in a problem, and then others think we are loaded and keep asking us to do or pay for things - I find it hard to say no.. So I end up worrying about things.
One small thing I have accomplished is a simple 3D model in AutoCad. Never done it before but it seems to have come out ok.. What do you think, I know it is not much but I feel that it is a small achievement , and for me any achievement is important.
To night is Theresa's (and my old) works Christmas party, so I am sitting here after a shower doing my nails - at least I am going (at the moment) as I had serious doubts that I could this morning.
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