The weekend and all that crap

Well the weekend was a bit of a washout in several ways - first it rained a lot and the only night that was clear was so damp that the lenses just fogged up all the time. And secondly I just went down.

I have not been feeling that up - in fact I spent most of yesterday in bed just watching videos and lazing around. I got up today, but then I had to go and see my care coordinator this afternoon, so I had to..

Yesterday all I seemed to feel was a driving need to smash things that usually ended up with me thumping the wall, and today has resulted in several cuts to my arm. Nothing deep, How I ever managed to cut my self so must last time I don't know, it hurts!!

I don't know if I can keep on going, and I wonder if it would just be simpler to take the cowards way out. To be honest I don't think that anyone would miss me (ok I know that my partner would, but the rest of the world would not even notice). That is an option, that for now, I will leave.

Thoughts of Blood

Yesterday afternoon and evening were not very good for me. I just did not seem to be able to do anything except sit and watch junk on TV. I went to sleep last night planning to cut my arm this morning - using broken glass just picked up on the road. - I had pushed a blade into my arm but it was not sharp so did not go in far.
This morning I did pick up a peace of glass while I was on my walk but only touched it to my wrist before I though it in the bin. There are times when I just have to keep trying to get better but right now I feel as if I am slipping down. The need to cut and see my blood run is still in the back of my mind - I am not sure if I do it just as a release or if it is something more, most of the time I do not want to die but sometimes I feel like I just can not go on.
At this moment I feel ok, not too up tight, plan to go into town later and walk by the river and then meet my partner from work, Tomorrow we (me and my partner) are going away for the weekend at a star party, I hope that I will enjoy it and things go well.

Am I doing the right thing?

I have a good job that pays well, but it seems that that is all I have come to be, just the job. I need time to find who I am, what I want from life. But is it right to want to give up my job to do it. We can survive on my partner's salary, but am I doing this just because I am lazy and don't want to work? I don't even know if what I am doing is what I want to do, if that makes any sense, there are times when I think that I am useless and good for nothing. I have messed up a lot of things, my life, my children, my marriage.

Why am I here!

Why am I here at this point in my life? And why do I keep wanting to end it all or at least see my blood run on the floor?

I have some problems that have been building for most of my life - like finding that I have to be perfect at every thing I do or it is not worth doing it. Other things relate back to my experiences 6 years ago when my self and my partner were the target of hate crimes. We had rocks and other things throne though the window of our living room and our car. for weeks we lived in our bedroom after dark watching CCTV when ever anyone went past the house, waiting to the fire bomb to come though the window. In the end I took and overdose of paracetamol that put me in hospital, that was the easy way out for me.

We moved from that house but for months I could not cope with being alone or going out.

We now live in London but I have not been well since then, in and out of depression and self harm - cutting my wrist to see the blood flow, but trying to keep going. I have been working for a major web site as a system administrator, but now that is too much to cope with, and I am here wondering were I am going.

I have always loved to draw, though back at school I would say that I was not that good, and have not really done that much over the passing years. Now I feel that I need to make a big change in my life (its not the first time..) and try to find my artistic side, to find something that will help be cope with this life.