Why am I here!

Why am I here at this point in my life? And why do I keep wanting to end it all or at least see my blood run on the floor?

I have some problems that have been building for most of my life - like finding that I have to be perfect at every thing I do or it is not worth doing it. Other things relate back to my experiences 6 years ago when my self and my partner were the target of hate crimes. We had rocks and other things throne though the window of our living room and our car. for weeks we lived in our bedroom after dark watching CCTV when ever anyone went past the house, waiting to the fire bomb to come though the window. In the end I took and overdose of paracetamol that put me in hospital, that was the easy way out for me.

We moved from that house but for months I could not cope with being alone or going out.

We now live in London but I have not been well since then, in and out of depression and self harm - cutting my wrist to see the blood flow, but trying to keep going. I have been working for a major web site as a system administrator, but now that is too much to cope with, and I am here wondering were I am going.

I have always loved to draw, though back at school I would say that I was not that good, and have not really done that much over the passing years. Now I feel that I need to make a big change in my life (its not the first time..) and try to find my artistic side, to find something that will help be cope with this life.