At The End of a Very Busy Week

What a week this has been - It seems to have consisted of never ending clearing and packing interspersed with trips to the dump or shopping. The main good thing I can say about it is that I have felt a lot better in the mornings. With Theresa home I don't dread getting up and facing a day on my own. That has not stopped the feelings of self harm and suicide creeping in now and again, but it is still only thoughts and feelings - no action.
I would not say that we are completely ready for the move next week but we are as ready as we can be... What the future holds for me I don't know, what I will do with my life, I am not sure.

Another day with the therapist

As seems to happen after going to Therapy I seem to be feeling better. The thing is that Nigel seem to keep throwing things at me that make me think. Some times that is good and sometimes that is bad.

I am starting to realise that I don't really live my life but am just floating down the torrent that is life without any direction in my life. I don't really think about things much. even when I try to all I seem to do is go round and round in circles. Tying to understand what is going on in my mind is very hard and all I seem to do is bump off some barrier and then give up. I don't seem to be able find a foot hold on this problem. Even now writing this I just don't know what to say, I just don't know where to go.

Here is another little poem (or what ever) produced this morning as a result of the feelings from my therapy:

Reality.

What is my reality,
And is that the same
As the next persons?

Do we all exist in one,
Or are we bubbles in the foam of life,
Separate and distinct.

I don't seem to know
If what I remember about yesterday,
Really happened, or was all an allusion.

My reality is Now,
Only this millisecond,
What is past is gone.

It flows like oil on water,
Multi coloured, intermixed,
Reality and invention.

Impossible to separate,
Reality becomes fogged,
And I lose who I am.

Another day in Hell

Things do seem to be going from good to bad and I don't realy know why. Yesterday I did nothing - spending most of the morning in bed and the afternoon watching TV. The evning was better as we went to the monthy smart meating. It was good to get out of the house.
But today seems to be worce, I got up and had a walk - Much better - Then wrote some thoughts down (see below) wich was very good, Then packed up some bits that we have sold on ebay, But sitting in the back of my mind was the desire to harm my self, I just can not get rid of it at the moment. I am off out as I just think staying round the home is going to end in spilt blood!

Dreams

Dreams,
How do you tell,
The vague imaginings of the hart,
From the tantalizing deceptions of the mind.

Why is it,
That I hang tight to the fools gold,
And discard the precious gems,
That would lead me through these dark times.

How do you willow,
The chaff from the seed,
And store up that which will,
Grow into reality.

True dreams are not easy to archive,
And may not be reached,
But provide inspiration and drive,
That propel me upwards.

False dreams deceive,
They tangle about me,
And tether my sole, secretly,
In the depths of hell.

Not Another Day

"Not Another Day." That seems to be the thought that goes through my mind when I get up at the moment. Mind you the mornings at the weekend seem to be a little better, though the evenings are about the same. I did get to do some art last night, I am not sure about the result - it is still hard for me to say that something is "good enough", there is still the tendency to say it is ether right or wrong and if it is wrong it is worthless. But things are not black and white, there is a contiguous change between black and white and I must see this.
As to the Art work I am working on - what do you think?



The missing part of the middle fingers is intentional as something is going in front of them. I am not 100% happy with lines on the palm but am about 70% - 80% happy with it which is not bad. Also this is only the second digital picture that I have tried to do so it is some what of an experiment. Well I will see how the image progresses..

Fear leads to Anxiety

I have been feeling very uptight the last few weeks, it seems to start the moment I get up. Or more to the point the moment I start thinking about getting up, and lasts for most of the day. The trouble is that I have not been able to work out why this is. I tried to talk about it yesterday with Nigel, my Therapist (och that sounds so American...) but could not quite get to what was coursing it. He keeps coming back to my transition and church, or a lot of my current problems started then, but I had problems before that. Like any change it solved some problems and created some more. To be honest I am probably better of now than I would have been if I did not transition, but it is hard to compare a current state with that of a possible one... You can be never sure what mite have been.

Anyway the point of this is that I have been trying to work out what is getting me so uptight and this morning it sort of hit me, I am afraid of another day! what about the day I am not sure - possibly it's just being here on my own, may be it is all the changes that are going on at the moment. But partly it feels like just being uptight about facing another day.

Went to the doctors this morning for a check up (blood pressure etc) and to get enough pills to see me through the 6 weeks in La Palma. I was also trying to get my medication changed as it does not seem to be helping with the depression - small hope of that.. I know I have been feeling worse lately and feeling like self harming and wondering if it is all worth it - but it is under control and I have been able to keep it under control. But the Doctors were all for sending me to a crises clinic today.. I don't think it is that bad at the moment... or is IT? That is the problem with me, I can feel mostly OK one minute and over dosing or cutting the next.. But at the moment It is not that bad just on a bit of a down word trend.