I have been feeling very uptight the last few weeks, it seems to start the moment I get up. Or more to the point the moment I start thinking about getting up, and lasts for most of the day. The trouble is that I have not been able to work out why this is. I tried to talk about it yesterday with Nigel, my Therapist (och that sounds so American...) but could not quite get to what was coursing it. He keeps coming back to my transition and church, or a lot of my current problems started then, but I had problems before that. Like any change it solved some problems and created some more. To be honest I am probably better of now than I would have been if I did not transition, but it is hard to compare a current state with that of a possible one... You can be never sure what mite have been.
Anyway the point of this is that I have been trying to work out what is getting me so uptight and this morning it sort of hit me, I am afraid of another day! what about the day I am not sure - possibly it's just being here on my own, may be it is all the changes that are going on at the moment. But partly it feels like just being uptight about facing another day.
Went to the doctors this morning for a check up (blood pressure etc) and to get enough pills to see me through the 6 weeks in La Palma. I was also trying to get my medication changed as it does not seem to be helping with the depression - small hope of that.. I know I have been feeling worse lately and feeling like self harming and wondering if it is all worth it - but it is under control and I have been able to keep it under control. But the Doctors were all for sending me to a crises clinic today.. I don't think it is that bad at the moment... or is IT? That is the problem with me, I can feel mostly OK one minute and over dosing or cutting the next.. But at the moment It is not that bad just on a bit of a down word trend.
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