What is wrong with me...

Helen Index : 6
Mood        : Low

It´s another low blog.. I don´t seem to be able to get organised to do anything. I have so much that I would like to do, like drawing... I have the time, but when it comes to doing anything it only seems to get done if I HAVE to do it, just wanting to does not seem to work. Mind you if I did just what I felt that I could do, I would be spending most of my time sat on the bed reading or trying to sleep.
I have a friend that does so much, she fills her days with things, some times too much, but she does achieve a vast amount. I would never expect to see her just sitting around doing nothing.
But when I try to organize myself to start on achieving something, whether it is just getting some excise or completing a home class on some bit of software, I may do it for a day or two but the it just all goes to pot...
Am I just trying to hard, or trying to do too much, May be I need to just concentrate on one thing but which one...; The house, exercise, Spanish, drawing, one of the several software projects I would like to do, the garden(building, planting,planing etc), processing grapes, cooking, reading, woodwork(cupboards, shelves etc). The list could go on..... I wounder if I am just totally over whelmed by things.... I remember when before I left work I did have a plan, 6 months to get fit both in mind and body and then go and sign up for a coarse on drawing. But that was before we moved here and had an old house to fix up... Mind you the house is now at an acceptable level... But I also now have Spanish to learn and I am finding it hard.. Hard, I don´t do any studying.....
Now that reminds me of a repeated dream/nightmare. I was studying, taking classes, but I could never remember where or when that classes were so I never went and was getting so uptight about failing the exams....
I think I need to think about what is important and what needs to be done in what order.

A new place to go.

Helen Index : 3-4
Mood        : pensive

It's funny that small things can change how you look at life, yesterday I was reading the forward from "Tails from Earthsea". In it the aurthur was talking of how she would go to Earthsea and see what was going on there, to her the place was real in her imagination. That got me thinking if I could build an imaginary world that would be the inspiration for my Art. But what sort of world would it be, one full of mirrors reflecting other worlds? It would have to have people (but not as we know them, perhaps here is a place for my cats) and animals grate and small, it would have to be a place of wonder. why limit it to just a world, how about a whole universe, a place to travel and explore and if I can document.
Could I really come up with something original? I can only try...

Thoughts of the past - how did I get into all this

Helen Index : 4
Mood        : OK but confused

I was thinking, last week, about why I got into taking overdoses. I realised that is was nothing to do with trying to kill my self, at first, all I wanted to do was escape from the feelings that I was struggling under. I started to take "feminax" which is a combination of Caffeine and Paracetamol, it would put me into a state that felt a little like floating for a short while. For that short time I was free for the feelings that seemed to knot them selves around my stomach. That release only lasted for a very Short while and then I was sick for a very long while but I did it week after week. Some where in that time, I changed from waiting a short release to looking for a permanent one. I don't think that I have ever really wanted to take my life by committing suicide, I have too much I would like to do. Its just that there have been times when I just can not cope with the feelings that I have and just want out.
At the moment things are a lot better - most of the time, OK there are days when I would rather hide inside the house and most days I avoid others when I am alone. But, for some things, I think life is getting better.

Is This The Start of a Phobia

Helen Index : 5
Mood        : changeable

My fear of other people on the road here is getting worse.. I am not afraid to be out and among others in town but here at home I am terrified..... It all stems from the problems in communicating with others, although my Spanish is improving - slowly - my fear seems to be getting really bad.
I have even caught myself literally running and hiding when someone local comes past, its not good. In a way I feel more worried that this is happening here than why it is happening, I don't want to get lumbered with a phobia that results in me staying inside the house all the time.
A the moment all it is doing is stopping me from getting on with the work outside when Theresa is not here - OK I can work at the back of the house or inside but I have some jobs to do on the roof and even getting sand and gravel down from the car park is out.
On a completely different topic, why when I want to do something it is so hard to do it. Yes I want to draw better - I have so meny ideas that I need to put down - just don't have the ability to do it. I know that I should draw everyday but I just cannot do it - there is always something more important to do, or I just don't feel I can do it.

Why am I SO Tired

Helen Index : 5
Mood        : Tired

Things are better, I have come to terms with the work I am doing - Just my artistic temperament - I hope! But I feel so tired at the moment - probably due to the weather, it has rained everyday since we got back from the UK. All I want to do at the moment is go back to bed for an hour or so, but I have so much to do today... Mind you I could spend an hour thinking how to do something, I also have several adds to regenerate from scratch and some content to find (OK I don't have to do that). And in the back of my mind is all the work that needs to be done on the house, but for some reason I don't feel that enthusiastic about that.
Last night we watched an old Cold Case episode, about the murder of a Gay Guy.. The end was a gay wedding, I just went so soppy I almost cried... I really do love Theresa. So why is living so hard, if I don't keep in hard control is is so easy just to slip down to where I can not see any reason to keep going, there are times when it all seems so pointless. But that is when I let go, at the moment I just keep my head down and push on..

Back from Trip and Back to Bed

Helen Index : 6-7 jumping to 9 but under control.
Mood        : Very Low

Falling off of a wall, then getting a bad head cold (I will not go deeply into what has been coming out of my nose, just to say that I have not seen that shade of fluorescent yellow in nature before....) and having problems with the plane flights both to the UK and back again. It's funny that the problems were with BA and not Iberia flights.... But after a fast week we did eventually get back to La Palma, one of our bags arriving a day later via a completely different route... The result of all of this is that I am totally out of it. I did not get dressed yesterday and slept half the day. Most of that was due to a bad reaction to changes to a Mag. layout that I am doing. I don't mind changes But asking the impossible and making big changes to what I thought was agreed, with only a week before it need to be at the printers. I don't blame the messenger at all, But I think that the person asking for the changes does not know what they are talking about... I had to go to bed after an hours work as I was getting so worked up that I was tempted to tell them what they could do with it... Thoughts of silting my wrists were back.
BUT I did keep it under control, and get back to the layout later yesterday. It's sad that after a year and a half, one small bit of perceived criticism can send be spiraling down, when I thought that things were going a lot better. It may have been a lot better if all the other crap had not happened. But then it may just be my artistic temperament showing its self...

Some Good, Some Bad, And a pain in the Back

Helen Index : 6
Mood        : Low

Last week I fell off a wall, only about 1.5M (about 4feet) but I landed on an assortment of rocks and a 3 inch diameter pipe. The result of which was a trip to the Doctors and then to the hospital as the Doctor thought that I may have broken a rib or two. I haven't, but they said that I had bruised them badly.

The result of all this is that I have taken a big nose dive. I seem to be very insular - not wanting to be around people and paranoid that things are going to go terribly wrong - somewhere... Tomorrow we are off to the UK to see my first Grandchild, Theo, I am very nervous about flying at the moment, not about crashing just about missing connections etc...

I watched The Catwoman movie yesterday, and good quote from it was "When you are truly comfortable with who and what you are you are Free" Ok its not an exact match but I think its good.