Still down

Helen Index : 6
Mood        : All over the place

Things have not setles down... It seems that each day is a new strugel to just keep going - It's 10:45 in the morning and I am writing this in bed.. And we have just lost power - They are working on the power lines in the vilage..

Progress but its a bit painfull

Helen Index : 5-6
Mood        : OK

The last few days I have been feeling rather unwell, Last Friday I ended up with my first migraine in around 5 years, and then I had another one on Sunday. Why now, I don't know, it all starts with my eyes and not being able to see clearly and then the jazzy lights start and that leads to the pain in the head. I would not say that it is very bad but it sorts of stops me doing anything and it can also resulting in feeling sick (nauseous). As a result of this I have not done much work on the house but have managed to do some drawing and reading etc.

First I have finished my first go at a digital art image using Bryce5 and Photoshop. I started the image as a workshop from ImageineFX Issue 14. The workshop was by Adam Benton and he provided the model of the space ship and some instructions. I will admit that I found the workshop hard to follow, with some instructions very detailed and others very vague, It was not very usefully for a complete novice. But I persevered and I am quite pleased with the result.Click image to enlarge

The image above consists of 4 Bryce models, one for the ship and land and 3 for the planet. The separate rendered images are then put together in Photoshop.

I have also been reading a Spanish book about Canarian volcanoes, I seem to get interested in a lot of diverse things, and trying to read a Spanish book does help my Spanish, if only in volcanic technical terms. But I have learned that La Palma consists of two main groups of volcano's, 5 very large ones to the north and one smaller one to the south (though the southern one consists of many vents), The one thing of interest is that originally I thought that La Palma had only one Caldera, and that was the result of erosion. but there is actually two and the hidden one (though it may not be a strict caldera) is much, much bigger. - I need to write it up some time once I can work out a way to generate a set of graphics to illustrate it..

From bad to worse

Helen Index :6
Mood        :Low

It seems that since I have been taking the meds for high blood pressure (started again around a month ago) my mood has goon down.
Last week there was an item on panic attacks on the radio. I seem to get something like them, but instead of the racing hart and sick in the stomach. I seem to get suicide attacks.. Something will set me off, a situation, a noise or a thought, and then I feel my stomach knotting up and then the feelings and thoughts come... This can happen any time and for any thing. Here in La Palma its the nabors or going to the doctors or even going out of the door on my own. Some times it just make life a miserable existence.
It seems to be getting worse at the moment but I am still trying to cope with it all but some times I just wounder if it is all worth it.

Holosysnc

Helen Index :5-7
Mood        :Up (At the moment)

The last few weeks have been sort of bad - to the point of some of the old problems coming back. I have found a way to stop things getting too bad, its called Holosync.. I am not one to trust all the hype, especially when it comes from the USA, but the demonstration peace has seemed to help and even pulled me back from the verge of going over the precipice into real bad times. I don't seem to listen as often I should do, Well I have ordered the full version and when it arrives we will see how it works out.

It seems that most nights I go to sleep thinking about taking my life - but don't end up doing much about it.

Been Very Busy

Helen Index :6
Mood        :Good

We have been very busy the last month. When I am busy doing things I don't feel that bad. In fact I have been feeling quite good a lot of the time. But then, for no real resean I get these feelings come over me, feelings of depression and the thoughts of taking my own life are there again. Not strong, but there in the back of my mind. Some of it is due to my lack of Spanish communication ability, others to just the way I am.
A big problem at the moment is money, we have some but it seems to be going quite quickly at the moment, we need to start getting some coming in, if we don't then this may all fall apart and I am not sure how I will cope with going back to the UK. Although I d wonder if I can cope here as well.

Oh well time for bed..

Thoughts still bother me

Helen Index :6
Mood        :OK

Things seem to be getting better , but why then do thoughts of giving it all up and take my life still hover in the background of my mind. It can happen any time, I will be in the car just looking out and then these thoughts just slam in to my current thoughts. I cope but I wish things would not keep hitting me.

Worried.

Helen Index : 6
Mood        : Low and worried

What I am worried about I don't quite know, things just seem to get on top of me. Like the import of the car.. I do wonder if it will last long enough to get it imported.. or where the glass will stay in the windows while the putty runs down the window frames.

I just need to take things slowly and hope that it will get better..

Steps to Confusion

Helen Index : 6 to 8
Mood        : Low

Not a good few days - Trying to work on the steps of the house - Again one of the locals stopped to talk about what we were doing, As seems to happen Theresa was out, it seems that when ever some one stops to talk about the steps Theresa is not there. The result of this that I just get completely confused. I am not sure what was said, but I think there is a problem... The thing is that the entrance drops about 1.5M from the road in about 2M and was made up of rock and ruble and is down right dangerous. But I think that we should have talked to the local council before starting.
The result of all this misunderstandings is that I am getting to the point that I am terrified of being outside the house and slowly getting uptight being inside the place as well. In the last two or three weeks the Helen index has hit 8 if this carries on things are going to be bad..

Sick

Not a very good few days - I have been down with some bug.. - not sure what, Mostly aches and pains, and most of the pain was abdominal and lower back - sort of kidneys and liver.. Also my blood pressure rocketed up to 186/105 . its a bit better now (143/98). The Helen index has also rocked to a 10 though that has also dropped now to round 7 ( I need to do a graphic or something to show my index each time I write here).
As to how I feel - I am feeling very down about being here in La Palma, a lot of it is homesickness, possibly, but I am wondering if coming here was a big mistake. I feel sometimes like there is no ware here that is safe...

Hell Has Arived

This morning it feels like hell has arrived here on La Palma, I have spent most of the morning in bed, a lot of the time has been spent trying to get control of myself and stop thinking about destroying anything that came to hand.
How did I get things under control, one, stay somewhere safe (in bed in this case), two, try to find something to brake the train of thought, ( playing freecell on the Arcos and then reading), and three trying to write things down, which is what I am trying to do now.
What was it that brought this all on. well it started last night in that we did not get done all that I wanted to do mainly not ordering furniture and getting a water tank. Whether we could use the tank completely or not is not the point but it was a goal, and the furniture was so that the matres would be delivered. Then when we got home we found that the one thing we had managed to get (3G Internet connection) would not work (only get 56K GPRS connection) and not sure if the limit of 1Gb per month is enough. It seems that what ever we try goes wrong. OK there it all is.. On the up side we do have a network connection and I hope we can opt for the higher download limit if 1Gb is not enough.
All this goes to show that I am siting on the edge still.

Run in with the Post Man

Another day with minor upsets in my mind - all it takes is a look, I wish I was telepathic or even empathic but then I would know what people really thought and in a way that could be worse. Mind you true telepathy would get round the need to learn Spanish. I do hate the misunderstandings that a poor grasp of a language results in. Two days a go I put up a post box, on the understanding that the postman comes up the peaster (steep road) that our hours is on. But then some one stopped to talk to us as we walked along the road it would appear that he was the local postman (or one of them) no uniform and no official transport (just a clapped out car). he does not go up the peaster so the box was no good outside the house - we could not quite workout if the box should be placed at the bottom by the half oil drum or that the half oil drum was the post box... That conversation, partly due to not being able to completely understand what he said and partly due to having done something wrong, AGAIN... upset me again. Mind you it was partly offset by stumbling across one of the current Doctor Who episodes on one of the streams channels on the satellite...

Then this morning while building the steps out the front one of the neighbours came past as she was on the way down the peaster, She did not say any thing bad, just you have a lot of work (or you are doing a lot of work) but she gave an odd look as she was going... and to me a look can kill... Not to bad at the moment, Theresa is off shopping and I have the radio on (a hole satellite system to pick up radio 2) it does help. my state of mind has improved a lot over the last few days, the thoughts of suicide have dropped right down, most of the time now, they are still there in the back of my mind but only as a vague future possibility.

Down But Not Out and getting a bit better

I lay in bed this morning feeling low and thinking about taking my life - not the planing thoughts but the thoughts that arrive before you start to plan, I can not take this, will it ever end, etc. The "this" is not that well defined, but has something to do with feeling isolated and that I can do nothing right (with the locals that is).

Now I feel a little better, I am sitting here on the bed listening to Radio 2 (we managed to get the satellite system working) and working on the laptop without worrying about the battery life, Yes the power is on, Hoooraaaaay!!!! Ok the satellite dish is propped up between several breeze blocks and we have power to 4 sockets (three in one room) and one light but its power.

The main thing that helped be today was the def neighbour stopping to talk about what I am doing and I understood some of what she was saying about needing the access down the side of the house to get a rotorvator down to the terraces below.. I think people will be happy when I have done with the steps and perhaps I can put a ramp in as well. Also two other neighbours came round and stated I should get a man to do the work instead of doing it myself.. GET a MAN ... No thanks.. (smile)...

Here in La Palma

Well we are now living full time in La Palma, the trip out was hell but things may begetting better now we have been here for a week.

Not a bad day today, the feelings of despair are still there hovering in the background but I seem to be able to push them down, most of the time. The main problem are the feelings of inadequacy that seem to creep up at the most inconvenient times.

I hope that this place will work out, I am worried about money and how we are going to live but for now a new bathroom and having the power on seen to be more of a worry.

But then look at it now, here I am sitting in the garden listening to the birds sing at 20:30 in the evening, the sun has gone down behind the next ridge (lomo), Theresa is in the kitchen fighting with the fire to cook dinner, and the place is so peace full, if it was not for the nagging feeling at the back of my stomach I would be very happy. The view from where I am sitting (before the sun went down).

Yes I am worried about the locals, the lack of good communication plays on my paranoia, I do wonder if being totally isolated would not have been better, but only in the Short term.

Up and down in La Plama

This Holiday was OK until I got the flu that lasted for 3 weeks - it came and then it went and then it sneaked back and floored me with a large frying pan !!!!

Friday we finally signed on the house although I was not sure that it was the right thing to do, due to the flu I had spent the last week in bed and just did not really believe that all would work out OK. To be honest I still am a little apprehensive about the place but I am fulling in love with the place. Finally at 2:15 (and the notary closes at 2:00) we signed the contract and haded the money over, did we get anything in return --- nope. So there we were money gone and no house keys, so it was a bit of a letdown. The evening was spent on a right royal bar craw around Santa Cruse until 1:00 am, a very pleasant evening with Theresa and Sheila.

Saturday was a complete downer, I spent most of it asleep and depressed. Thinking about going back to the UK and staying there - running away and dieing in some lonely place... Today has been a lot better, we spent a very good afternoon at the new house with the old owners and Sheila and Julio eating a very nice barbeq....

Now we have only 2 days left here and then we return to the UK But for only 2 weeks and then we return for the rest of our lives - part of me is scared stiff and another part can't wait ....

Buying a house

Here I am on La Plama, trying to buy a house to have as our own little place. My problems have not gone away - most of the time I am doing well - apart from having a very nasty cold with sore throat.
The stresses of getting a place have been taking there tole. There have been a few nights when I have gone to bed and thought about getting up and running away. But things are moving on and I think it will workout OK.
I am also getting some art done and a few things for others.
Not much to say at the moment as I have just spent several hours updating the blog about the house .

At The End of a Very Busy Week

What a week this has been - It seems to have consisted of never ending clearing and packing interspersed with trips to the dump or shopping. The main good thing I can say about it is that I have felt a lot better in the mornings. With Theresa home I don't dread getting up and facing a day on my own. That has not stopped the feelings of self harm and suicide creeping in now and again, but it is still only thoughts and feelings - no action.
I would not say that we are completely ready for the move next week but we are as ready as we can be... What the future holds for me I don't know, what I will do with my life, I am not sure.

Another day with the therapist

As seems to happen after going to Therapy I seem to be feeling better. The thing is that Nigel seem to keep throwing things at me that make me think. Some times that is good and sometimes that is bad.

I am starting to realise that I don't really live my life but am just floating down the torrent that is life without any direction in my life. I don't really think about things much. even when I try to all I seem to do is go round and round in circles. Tying to understand what is going on in my mind is very hard and all I seem to do is bump off some barrier and then give up. I don't seem to be able find a foot hold on this problem. Even now writing this I just don't know what to say, I just don't know where to go.

Here is another little poem (or what ever) produced this morning as a result of the feelings from my therapy:

Reality.

What is my reality,
And is that the same
As the next persons?

Do we all exist in one,
Or are we bubbles in the foam of life,
Separate and distinct.

I don't seem to know
If what I remember about yesterday,
Really happened, or was all an allusion.

My reality is Now,
Only this millisecond,
What is past is gone.

It flows like oil on water,
Multi coloured, intermixed,
Reality and invention.

Impossible to separate,
Reality becomes fogged,
And I lose who I am.

Another day in Hell

Things do seem to be going from good to bad and I don't realy know why. Yesterday I did nothing - spending most of the morning in bed and the afternoon watching TV. The evning was better as we went to the monthy smart meating. It was good to get out of the house.
But today seems to be worce, I got up and had a walk - Much better - Then wrote some thoughts down (see below) wich was very good, Then packed up some bits that we have sold on ebay, But sitting in the back of my mind was the desire to harm my self, I just can not get rid of it at the moment. I am off out as I just think staying round the home is going to end in spilt blood!

Dreams

Dreams,
How do you tell,
The vague imaginings of the hart,
From the tantalizing deceptions of the mind.

Why is it,
That I hang tight to the fools gold,
And discard the precious gems,
That would lead me through these dark times.

How do you willow,
The chaff from the seed,
And store up that which will,
Grow into reality.

True dreams are not easy to archive,
And may not be reached,
But provide inspiration and drive,
That propel me upwards.

False dreams deceive,
They tangle about me,
And tether my sole, secretly,
In the depths of hell.

Not Another Day

"Not Another Day." That seems to be the thought that goes through my mind when I get up at the moment. Mind you the mornings at the weekend seem to be a little better, though the evenings are about the same. I did get to do some art last night, I am not sure about the result - it is still hard for me to say that something is "good enough", there is still the tendency to say it is ether right or wrong and if it is wrong it is worthless. But things are not black and white, there is a contiguous change between black and white and I must see this.
As to the Art work I am working on - what do you think?



The missing part of the middle fingers is intentional as something is going in front of them. I am not 100% happy with lines on the palm but am about 70% - 80% happy with it which is not bad. Also this is only the second digital picture that I have tried to do so it is some what of an experiment. Well I will see how the image progresses..

Fear leads to Anxiety

I have been feeling very uptight the last few weeks, it seems to start the moment I get up. Or more to the point the moment I start thinking about getting up, and lasts for most of the day. The trouble is that I have not been able to work out why this is. I tried to talk about it yesterday with Nigel, my Therapist (och that sounds so American...) but could not quite get to what was coursing it. He keeps coming back to my transition and church, or a lot of my current problems started then, but I had problems before that. Like any change it solved some problems and created some more. To be honest I am probably better of now than I would have been if I did not transition, but it is hard to compare a current state with that of a possible one... You can be never sure what mite have been.

Anyway the point of this is that I have been trying to work out what is getting me so uptight and this morning it sort of hit me, I am afraid of another day! what about the day I am not sure - possibly it's just being here on my own, may be it is all the changes that are going on at the moment. But partly it feels like just being uptight about facing another day.

Went to the doctors this morning for a check up (blood pressure etc) and to get enough pills to see me through the 6 weeks in La Palma. I was also trying to get my medication changed as it does not seem to be helping with the depression - small hope of that.. I know I have been feeling worse lately and feeling like self harming and wondering if it is all worth it - but it is under control and I have been able to keep it under control. But the Doctors were all for sending me to a crises clinic today.. I don't think it is that bad at the moment... or is IT? That is the problem with me, I can feel mostly OK one minute and over dosing or cutting the next.. But at the moment It is not that bad just on a bit of a down word trend.