A Need To succeed

I have been thinking about why I have this great need to succeed and where it comes from. During my time in school, I can remember working hard, for several years running I won the school prize for effort, but I don't seem to remember a great drive to be the best. I know that when I failed my physics mock O-level I worked non-stop to improve, and I did.
One thing I do remember was when I had children I could not let them win, I had to be first - at games or running. When did my struggles to succeed become at any cost.! What was it that was driving me to have to succeed? I am not sure.

A Good Therapy Session

Things have been rather down over the last few days... What with Theresa working all weekend and then staying in bed most of the day yesterday. But now I am feeling quite uplifted after a very good therapy session. But I have to do two things:

1. List the things I have done that were "Good Enough" or things that I am "Good Enough" at doing.
2. Produce a Fuzzy Good Feeling File. A pace to put things that give me that fuzzy good feeling about my self, Like the poems that I wrote when I was thinking about Transitioning, or The email that Sheila sent me Last week.

Dreaming

I had one of these dreams last night that you wake up from not knowing who you are or whether you are still dreaming or not. It has taken several hours and a good brisk walk (in the rain) to get some grip back on reality.
At the moment my anxiety levels are up through the roof and I don't know why, I seem to get all tide up about the silliest things or even nothing at all, just the thought of another day and what needs doing, is enough to make me want to go and curl up in bed, to hide from the world. I must not do that ALL the time as it will not help. But now and then it helps.
So on with the day!

Why Me

I thought that things were getting better, and then the last few days arrived. My stomach is tied up in knots and my main desire is to curl up in a small ball and hide. I have this part of me inside that keeps on yelling "You are no good", "You can not do it", "It's too much".
All I can do is try to do what I can, and when it gets too much, go and curl up in bed for a while, and distract my self.

Will this ever get better?

Thinking = Stress

After a good day yesterday where I got done most of what I had planed to do, including some things I had been trying to do for a week or more, today has started with a down turn. I could not get my mind off the down side, the problems, related to going to La Palma. Theresa mentioned again last night that Tenerife authorities are making it harder to get NIE's - they need proof of house perches... So I am worrying that we will have problems getting the NIE... But then if we have to wait until we are there and have a house purchase under way it will only slow things down a little... But still I seem to be getting down worrying about possible problems that will stop us going. I only hope that things will work out.

Revelation

Art therapy today has opened some thoughts. I have been feeling like I don't know who I am and what I want in life. But could it be that I am just hiding behind a mask because who I am just does not fit in with who others think I should be. I am who I am an result of all my experiences since I was born on this world. I did not come in to existence 6 and a half years ago but have been here all a long.
What makes me happy, walking in the woods , seeing animals in the wild, walking along the beach in a storm, creating things.
so why do I feel that my life is a failure? Is it to do with the fact that I feel I should leave some sort of permanent record that I have been here, you know do something earth shattering, or make my name a household one. But are these things really what makes a life worth while. Children are what we as parents leave behind but although I can honestly say that I am very proud of my children, I am not close to them as I feel that I am an embarrassment to them and that they would be better off if I was not here, or at least I should keep a distance from them due to what I am.
So With all that how am I going to make my self believe that life is worth while and that I am achieving something good and doing something worthwhile with my life.
religion does not help as I lost that when I transitioned - no I did not lose my religion because I lost faith - I was thrown out, and when you have something you believe in very deeply taken away from you and you are told that what you have done make you an out cast from God, then religion is not of much use.

From Good To Bad

It seams that after the few good days at the end of last week things have been going bad! For the last few days I have just felt that I can not do anything, if I try to get something done I seem to go off in random directions, none of which are any thing to do with what I want to do.
For the last few days I have had an image in my mind that I want to get down on paper but I keep hitting a brick wall when I try or even think about trying to put it down. The old fears come back - "You can not do it", "It will be no good" and then all I can do is sit and steam or try to sleep.
I have even had thoughts again about self harm - even a sort of longing to do it, to see blood, my blood. For now I have resisted the urges.

Work!

Yesterday was a strange day as I spent a large part of it in work with Theresa - ok so I was made redundant. They needed to pick my brains regarding load testing (something I had been doing quite a bit of in the last year of working there), they had brought in an external company to do some testing on a new function and the guy needed some information.
By the end of the day I had ended up putting in a quote for about 3 weeks work to document some of the stuff that I had done before and update some of the scripts etc. Wow the first chance to do some contract work! Funny I seem to be feeling a bit better because of this....
As to other things all seems to be going ok, as long as I don't get too bogged down in thinking and worrying about moving La Palma.
For now I am sitting here waiting to here about the contract and trying to keep busy..

Isolation

Art therapy again. Drawing of a child in a glass box above a green asteroid far away form anyone else. Am I that lonely child? I do push others away a lot of the time, and I seem to be afraid of letting anyone too close, including pulling away from my own children. Part of it is that I don't fit in many places and I feel that I am an embarrassment to those around me.
Being transexual has not helped - I have been more of a loner since my operation although I have been that way most of my life. The funny thing is that I like being the center of attention in a group or even just sitting on the edge of a group. But a lot of the time I just feel very isolated. Then again I don't do very well here at home on my own, just me an the cat, though she does like being around me, and follows me around the house...

Monday

The start of another week - and where am I?
The weekend was filled with sorting stuff out and trips to the dump, I seem to be fine (mostly) when I am with Theresa or just someone else around but the feelings of panic and anxiety are still there. Last night I had to get up at midnight as I could not get my mind to relax - all due to Dan and his rants about how we are shipping the cat (Tabather) out to La Palma. I did not get up tight about booking flights, we had a mix up so have to stay in Tenarife over night on the way out but that is no problem, but shipping the cat seems to get me up tight.
Then today I did not get up until 11:30 this morning, and just ended up feeling up tight, what brings it on and how to cope I just don't know some times, all I can do is ether work though it or stop and distract myself.
This afternoon was the last anxiety management therapy class - ok - mostly just a review of the last two classes, so why did I keep getting the feeling that I wanted to run out of the room or jump through the window? I just don't under stand things sometimes, It will not stop me going to other groups though - they do help.

Therapy

Yesterdays art therapy was interesting - Nigle seems to think I have a lot of hidden anger as well as being very alone...
I spent quite a bit of time getting worked up last night about the mover to La Palma, do we have enough money, Are we going to be stuck with the place we like on the web (nice place but quite remote and still needs some work), is it the right thing to do? This morning it was feeling just all too much and the old feelings of just wanting to be dead started coming back.
If I could just feel that I was getting somewhere it would help, I just don't seem to be able to do the things that I think I want to... Or is it I just don't know what I want to..
Oh well I suppose I should get on with the ironing..