Christmas

Hi all
Well Christmas is over for another year, apart from the cleaning up of the junk , and the disposal of leftover Christmas puddings etc. As to how it went, well we spent Christmas day with the Kids (at Dee's), it was nice to see them all, only one minor argument between a tied Sealy (Dan) and a misbehaving network connection... Apart from that it was a very pleasant day with a good dinner.. Everyone liked there presents, I think. I got a few books - mostly Terry Pratcit (which was what I asked for) so I am fixed for reading for the next few months. As well as the boxed set of the Ghost in the Shell, second Gig from Theresa.
Boxing Day we spent quietly at home - not really doing much. I will admit Christmas is for small children, they get so excited and that makes Christmas.. Christmas is a time for others, not our selves, with list of things to chose from it makes buying presents so simple but takes the love and care out of it.. But I feel so distant from everyone that I don't know much about them... I wonder if next year we should not draw up lists for or selves but do them for someone else.. (I do one for Theresa's presents and She does one for mine) - that way we have to put love into the list and the person that will receive the presents has no idea what they are getting ...
Today I feel the same old problems returning, the same pressures and worries, will things work out, can I cope with life, is it worth it, and most importantly will it ever end. there were times during my walk this morning that I just could not see an end to the pain.

Down again

Why is it that when things seem to be coming together I fall apart. Today I feel that just giving up and ending it all. I don't want to die really but I just feel like I can not cope. But what is it I can not cope with, things that a few days ago I would have just not even thought about are making me see red. Also I feel like I am no good.

What Have I got to do that is winding me up so much - is it the fact that I have to do some drawings for thereby, I will admit that I probably want to do a better job than is needed but is that what has got me wanting to reach for the knife.

Things seem to be coming together for the move ok, but there are all ways the small things that seem to get to me - like getting paper work done, will we have a place to move to by the time we arrive on the Island with the car.. Nothing is unsumountable but I seem to get so up tight about anything.

I seem to be very angry with Dan this morning - just for leaving his computer down loading so that it was using most of our bandwidth and I could not get on the web to do the few bits I need to do, there were some of the old flashing thoughts of destroying things .. I don't like myself when I feel like that.

Although I have a lot to do I think I will go and spend a while in bed and see how I feel later.

Walking

Out on my morning walk, (I am trying to lose whight - and it looks like it may be working, I needed to do the belt up one more notch this morning), I started daydreaming about stumbling across a film crew doing a detective show with a Transexal detective. Ok a silly daydream, but it ended up in a bit of a laugh when I came apon a REAL film crew seting up at the top of the Rookery (If you live in south London you may now know where I go walking in the mornings). It just seemed funy that here I was daydreaming about finding a film crew in the Rookery and then here they were...

Now the point of my day dream was that I ended up taling with the actris that was playing the dectective and I invited her home to talk about my experances during transition and life as a transexal. After coming acrose the real film crew the daydream sort of petered out and I started to think about what I was dreaming about. It seems that a lot of the time in my dreams (most of the ones that I have while I am awake that is) I seem to make freands with important peapel like this actris, I can even remeber dreaming about making feinds with roalty, and they want to be freinds with me becouse they NEED ME! But in real life I would probably run the other way. My dream me seems to be so different from the persion that I am - I just can not live up to that persion.

This is where I start feeling deprested and uptight. I have had a few epersodes latly where I start feeling very anxus and then - Wham! like a flash gun in the dark - this feeling of killing myself arives. Most of the time I can just cope with it, but if I am down, that is when bad things have happened in the past. At the moment it just knocks me of balance for a while.

Todays positive picture is below, I did this using an airbrush a few years ago for a present for my yungest doughter as she was (and still is) very much into Chinese culture.

When will this end

Things definitely seem to be going down hill at the moment. Instead of getting less I seem to be getting more and more anxious about things, anything. I find that all I have to do is think about something and my stomach seems to get time up in knots. The news holds so many things that can make me get up tight - Bird Flue, variant CDJ, cancer, Radiation, Global Worming - There are times when it gets just too much. Even though theses things may not directly effect me I still worry about it. This morning I got very up tight worrying about Theresa dyeing. Sometimes I can control it but most of the time I have to go and hide in bed or just lay own and do something to distract my mind.
On a more positive not I did have a good evening last night at Theresa's works Christmas Party, It was good to be among friends and for a few hours I was able to forget my own problems (real or imaginary).

Hiding

The last few days have been very difficult, nothing seems to have set it off, but I have been plagued by feelings of anxiety. These are accompanied by thoughts of self harm or wanting someone else harming me. Today I just stayed in bed for most of the morning and slept, on and off, with thoughts of cutting my stomach or leg, where none can see. So far these are just thoughts. Also I can get somethings done if I disperse them between taking a nap or playing Freecell on the Arcos.

On the subject of moving to La Palma; things are moving on, most of the packing is done (well there seems to be a lot of odds and ends that need to be collected together, but the rest is done), The things for the car seem to be growing and I wonder if we will have enough room... Money is my main worry, we have things all planed out and seem to be keeping to the budget but as we don't know everything, if anything big comes up we could be in a problem, and then others think we are loaded and keep asking us to do or pay for things - I find it hard to say no.. So I end up worrying about things.

One small thing I have accomplished is a simple 3D model in AutoCad. Never done it before but it seems to have come out ok.. What do you think, I know it is not much but I feel that it is a small achievement , and for me any achievement is important.

To night is Theresa's (and my old) works Christmas party, so I am sitting here after a shower doing my nails - at least I am going (at the moment) as I had serious doubts that I could this morning.

A Need To succeed

I have been thinking about why I have this great need to succeed and where it comes from. During my time in school, I can remember working hard, for several years running I won the school prize for effort, but I don't seem to remember a great drive to be the best. I know that when I failed my physics mock O-level I worked non-stop to improve, and I did.
One thing I do remember was when I had children I could not let them win, I had to be first - at games or running. When did my struggles to succeed become at any cost.! What was it that was driving me to have to succeed? I am not sure.

A Good Therapy Session

Things have been rather down over the last few days... What with Theresa working all weekend and then staying in bed most of the day yesterday. But now I am feeling quite uplifted after a very good therapy session. But I have to do two things:

1. List the things I have done that were "Good Enough" or things that I am "Good Enough" at doing.
2. Produce a Fuzzy Good Feeling File. A pace to put things that give me that fuzzy good feeling about my self, Like the poems that I wrote when I was thinking about Transitioning, or The email that Sheila sent me Last week.

Dreaming

I had one of these dreams last night that you wake up from not knowing who you are or whether you are still dreaming or not. It has taken several hours and a good brisk walk (in the rain) to get some grip back on reality.
At the moment my anxiety levels are up through the roof and I don't know why, I seem to get all tide up about the silliest things or even nothing at all, just the thought of another day and what needs doing, is enough to make me want to go and curl up in bed, to hide from the world. I must not do that ALL the time as it will not help. But now and then it helps.
So on with the day!

Why Me

I thought that things were getting better, and then the last few days arrived. My stomach is tied up in knots and my main desire is to curl up in a small ball and hide. I have this part of me inside that keeps on yelling "You are no good", "You can not do it", "It's too much".
All I can do is try to do what I can, and when it gets too much, go and curl up in bed for a while, and distract my self.

Will this ever get better?

Thinking = Stress

After a good day yesterday where I got done most of what I had planed to do, including some things I had been trying to do for a week or more, today has started with a down turn. I could not get my mind off the down side, the problems, related to going to La Palma. Theresa mentioned again last night that Tenerife authorities are making it harder to get NIE's - they need proof of house perches... So I am worrying that we will have problems getting the NIE... But then if we have to wait until we are there and have a house purchase under way it will only slow things down a little... But still I seem to be getting down worrying about possible problems that will stop us going. I only hope that things will work out.

Revelation

Art therapy today has opened some thoughts. I have been feeling like I don't know who I am and what I want in life. But could it be that I am just hiding behind a mask because who I am just does not fit in with who others think I should be. I am who I am an result of all my experiences since I was born on this world. I did not come in to existence 6 and a half years ago but have been here all a long.
What makes me happy, walking in the woods , seeing animals in the wild, walking along the beach in a storm, creating things.
so why do I feel that my life is a failure? Is it to do with the fact that I feel I should leave some sort of permanent record that I have been here, you know do something earth shattering, or make my name a household one. But are these things really what makes a life worth while. Children are what we as parents leave behind but although I can honestly say that I am very proud of my children, I am not close to them as I feel that I am an embarrassment to them and that they would be better off if I was not here, or at least I should keep a distance from them due to what I am.
So With all that how am I going to make my self believe that life is worth while and that I am achieving something good and doing something worthwhile with my life.
religion does not help as I lost that when I transitioned - no I did not lose my religion because I lost faith - I was thrown out, and when you have something you believe in very deeply taken away from you and you are told that what you have done make you an out cast from God, then religion is not of much use.

From Good To Bad

It seams that after the few good days at the end of last week things have been going bad! For the last few days I have just felt that I can not do anything, if I try to get something done I seem to go off in random directions, none of which are any thing to do with what I want to do.
For the last few days I have had an image in my mind that I want to get down on paper but I keep hitting a brick wall when I try or even think about trying to put it down. The old fears come back - "You can not do it", "It will be no good" and then all I can do is sit and steam or try to sleep.
I have even had thoughts again about self harm - even a sort of longing to do it, to see blood, my blood. For now I have resisted the urges.

Work!

Yesterday was a strange day as I spent a large part of it in work with Theresa - ok so I was made redundant. They needed to pick my brains regarding load testing (something I had been doing quite a bit of in the last year of working there), they had brought in an external company to do some testing on a new function and the guy needed some information.
By the end of the day I had ended up putting in a quote for about 3 weeks work to document some of the stuff that I had done before and update some of the scripts etc. Wow the first chance to do some contract work! Funny I seem to be feeling a bit better because of this....
As to other things all seems to be going ok, as long as I don't get too bogged down in thinking and worrying about moving La Palma.
For now I am sitting here waiting to here about the contract and trying to keep busy..

Isolation

Art therapy again. Drawing of a child in a glass box above a green asteroid far away form anyone else. Am I that lonely child? I do push others away a lot of the time, and I seem to be afraid of letting anyone too close, including pulling away from my own children. Part of it is that I don't fit in many places and I feel that I am an embarrassment to those around me.
Being transexual has not helped - I have been more of a loner since my operation although I have been that way most of my life. The funny thing is that I like being the center of attention in a group or even just sitting on the edge of a group. But a lot of the time I just feel very isolated. Then again I don't do very well here at home on my own, just me an the cat, though she does like being around me, and follows me around the house...

Monday

The start of another week - and where am I?
The weekend was filled with sorting stuff out and trips to the dump, I seem to be fine (mostly) when I am with Theresa or just someone else around but the feelings of panic and anxiety are still there. Last night I had to get up at midnight as I could not get my mind to relax - all due to Dan and his rants about how we are shipping the cat (Tabather) out to La Palma. I did not get up tight about booking flights, we had a mix up so have to stay in Tenarife over night on the way out but that is no problem, but shipping the cat seems to get me up tight.
Then today I did not get up until 11:30 this morning, and just ended up feeling up tight, what brings it on and how to cope I just don't know some times, all I can do is ether work though it or stop and distract myself.
This afternoon was the last anxiety management therapy class - ok - mostly just a review of the last two classes, so why did I keep getting the feeling that I wanted to run out of the room or jump through the window? I just don't under stand things sometimes, It will not stop me going to other groups though - they do help.

Therapy

Yesterdays art therapy was interesting - Nigle seems to think I have a lot of hidden anger as well as being very alone...
I spent quite a bit of time getting worked up last night about the mover to La Palma, do we have enough money, Are we going to be stuck with the place we like on the web (nice place but quite remote and still needs some work), is it the right thing to do? This morning it was feeling just all too much and the old feelings of just wanting to be dead started coming back.
If I could just feel that I was getting somewhere it would help, I just don't seem to be able to do the things that I think I want to... Or is it I just don't know what I want to..
Oh well I suppose I should get on with the ironing..

Flu

It's strange that being down with the flu seems to have put the depression in a different light, I have felt too sick to feel anything else.
Now that I am starting to recover from the flu, I am starting to feel down again - It's not fair.
This last weekend we spent in the Isle of Wight, at Sue's place with others from work, It would have been a lot better if both me and Theresa felt better but it was good to get away, and be with friends.
Even though I have not done any thing for a while I still think about cutting myself, the sight of blood seems to be so comforting.

Life

It seems that just trying to live life is almost impossible at the moment, what ever I try to do fills me with dread, but I still keep trying. How does one try to rebuild a totally destroyed self confidence? I don't know. What will bring me happiness, is it Art.. Perhaps its just finding who I am in this world.
Here I am sitting on my bed lisening to Queen and writing in this Blog.. And suprisingly I achaly feel good! Ok I have done one of the photoshop lesions - the first one in a week or so. Yesterday I even did some drawing - only 10 minutes but it was something. Sometimes doing nothing but lisening to music is a good thing, I wonder if some of my problem is that I am forcing my self, trying to run before I can even crawl?

Dreams

Some persons seem to think that when you have an obtained to make your dreams come true that this can only be a good thing. But dreams are things that we hope for, that keep us going when things are bad. We rarely look deeply in to how to achieve our dreams or if they will do what we hope for.
When our dreams are handed to us on a plate we have to think carefully if they are what we really want, or if they are particle!
Last week I was made redundant, not a thing that many people rejoice about, also my partner will be made redundant as well but has to work until January. A double blow you may say, but with the money we can make our dream of leaving the country and living in the Canaries.
Has that helped or hindered me - I am not sure as I have had to think if the dream is something I want to live or if the stress of making it happen will be too much for me...

suiside

Why do I have some days when the first thought of the day is that I want to kill my self? Some days are great but others start bad and just go down hill..

Star parties and redundancies

The Star Party this weekend at Husmonsux was ok but not for my mental side, I ended up in a gibbering mess on Sunday morning, resulting in the taking of one emergency pill (only one left now) and then sitting in the loo scratching at my wrist with a broken peace of metal.
Things were so bad my partner had to take the next two days off from work as she felt that I was not safe to be left at home. All I wanted to do yesterday was to hide the day away in bed.
Then last night we herd that there will be redudancies at work in our department - the first response was ..... HOORAY! .... And we put our names down for voluntary redundancies. Now I am wondering if that is the right thing to do. If we both get made redundant that we can go off to La Palma, but now I am very nervous about doing that, do I want to leave the place I know?
The last few days I have been worried about next and having to see the Doctor about getting signed off for another month and some of the thoughts were that I would take another overdose if I had to go back to work, but then I am not doing that well at home ether.

Where will I find happiness?

The weekend and all that crap

Well the weekend was a bit of a washout in several ways - first it rained a lot and the only night that was clear was so damp that the lenses just fogged up all the time. And secondly I just went down.

I have not been feeling that up - in fact I spent most of yesterday in bed just watching videos and lazing around. I got up today, but then I had to go and see my care coordinator this afternoon, so I had to..

Yesterday all I seemed to feel was a driving need to smash things that usually ended up with me thumping the wall, and today has resulted in several cuts to my arm. Nothing deep, How I ever managed to cut my self so must last time I don't know, it hurts!!

I don't know if I can keep on going, and I wonder if it would just be simpler to take the cowards way out. To be honest I don't think that anyone would miss me (ok I know that my partner would, but the rest of the world would not even notice). That is an option, that for now, I will leave.

Thoughts of Blood

Yesterday afternoon and evening were not very good for me. I just did not seem to be able to do anything except sit and watch junk on TV. I went to sleep last night planning to cut my arm this morning - using broken glass just picked up on the road. - I had pushed a blade into my arm but it was not sharp so did not go in far.
This morning I did pick up a peace of glass while I was on my walk but only touched it to my wrist before I though it in the bin. There are times when I just have to keep trying to get better but right now I feel as if I am slipping down. The need to cut and see my blood run is still in the back of my mind - I am not sure if I do it just as a release or if it is something more, most of the time I do not want to die but sometimes I feel like I just can not go on.
At this moment I feel ok, not too up tight, plan to go into town later and walk by the river and then meet my partner from work, Tomorrow we (me and my partner) are going away for the weekend at a star party, I hope that I will enjoy it and things go well.

Am I doing the right thing?

I have a good job that pays well, but it seems that that is all I have come to be, just the job. I need time to find who I am, what I want from life. But is it right to want to give up my job to do it. We can survive on my partner's salary, but am I doing this just because I am lazy and don't want to work? I don't even know if what I am doing is what I want to do, if that makes any sense, there are times when I think that I am useless and good for nothing. I have messed up a lot of things, my life, my children, my marriage.

Why am I here!

Why am I here at this point in my life? And why do I keep wanting to end it all or at least see my blood run on the floor?

I have some problems that have been building for most of my life - like finding that I have to be perfect at every thing I do or it is not worth doing it. Other things relate back to my experiences 6 years ago when my self and my partner were the target of hate crimes. We had rocks and other things throne though the window of our living room and our car. for weeks we lived in our bedroom after dark watching CCTV when ever anyone went past the house, waiting to the fire bomb to come though the window. In the end I took and overdose of paracetamol that put me in hospital, that was the easy way out for me.

We moved from that house but for months I could not cope with being alone or going out.

We now live in London but I have not been well since then, in and out of depression and self harm - cutting my wrist to see the blood flow, but trying to keep going. I have been working for a major web site as a system administrator, but now that is too much to cope with, and I am here wondering were I am going.

I have always loved to draw, though back at school I would say that I was not that good, and have not really done that much over the passing years. Now I feel that I need to make a big change in my life (its not the first time..) and try to find my artistic side, to find something that will help be cope with this life.